Author: Cj B

Well, it’s been a while since I posted and I need to do a major update. I went home for Christmas and things were fine mostly. Spent a lot of time working out with Army and having a good time with him. I am not sure if he’s just being flirty or what but he kept calling me “Future husband” and making other dating jokes. He bought his first house which is super exciting and I’m really happy for him. He has all kinds of travel plans and I wish that he would invite me on more of them but whatever. We’re not super close or anything. It’s more about cocnvienvnve for him for sure.

Christmas Day was pretty annoying TBH. We were not supposed to be getting each other gifts but I come down and Andy had gotten TONS of gifts for everyone. I felt bad about not getting him anything and then my dad was like “You didn’t get him anything, that’s pretty mean”. WTF we all agreed I thought that we were not doing gifts this year.

Charles and I spent a lot of time facetiming and watching movies together in the evening which was super cute. He agreed to pick me up from the airport on Monday when I got back which was amazing. It made me so happy to see him when I landed and came out of the airport.

We went back to his place and hung out, he had to go to work so I Went back home. He came to my place latter that night and said he had a massive headache. The next morning he woke up with a bad temp and we ended up just going to his place and hanging out. Come to find out he had COVID.

So we’ve spent the last week together quarantined. I also tested positive for COVID. So whatever. At least now I’ve officially had it! It’s been interesting being stuck together for the past 6 days. We haven’t had any major issues but there have been some interesting things that I am not sure how I feel about with him. IE: I feel like he doesn’t want to really put any effort into planning things and deciding what to do. I felt like ti was always up to me to offer suggestions and then he would pick something. I wish that he would have aded some more time into giving me some options of what he wanted to do.

I really do like him and eh’s super sweet. I love that he loves to cuddle. I love his smile, we laugh and have a lot of fun together. even when he is sick. But he also confuses the fuck out of me. IE we have only had sex twice in the past week. Granted. I guess we are SICK technically.

THere’s also some things with how much other people are texting him which bothers the fuck out of me. I know he has other friends but like Eric of course has been texting him all the time. At one point, I saw one of the texts an it was something like “DO you have any symptoms” and my fucking crazy ass mind went and said “omg maybe they are talking about STD’s, did Eric give him an STD while they were together”.. But then later that night he told me that Eric was concerned Charles had given him Covid as well.

He has done some super sweet stuff too. IE one night we were laying on the couch and he kept playing this same song over and over and over again. I have been trying really and to not keep asking him “WHAT ARE YOU DDOING” So I just left it be. But then the next morning we were on tiktoc together and the song played, so I like “IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE GOING LAST NIGHT” watching these cute couples videos about the past year. And he said “NO, I was trying to make one for us”. It was SO CUTE. So he showed me this little video he made about us.

It sucks that we have had so much fucked up shit between us to start this relationship but at the same time it’s been great that we got through it all.

This song is so fitting right now. Charles hung out with Eric last night. I texted him goodnight and he replied: “I will. Eric and I are talking about deep shit. He feels like there are “loose ends”. Don’t worry. Just clarifying things with him. I’m a bit annoyed but better to tell him now than never”.

Ugh. I am just so nervous that this guy is going to do anything he can to get Charles back. It’s like we’re in a tug of war.

Things have been great with Charles, I’ve been happy, etc. He told me before I left for Iowa that he was going to spend Christmas with Eric and his Family. I expressed that I was’t comfortable with that and he cancelled which was nice of him to do.

I wish Eric would fucking just disappear. I know he never will. I know Charles and him are great friends and I’m just going to have to deal with this BS. But it really hurts every fucking time they hang out. Every time they hang out, I’m worried. “Will I hear from him the next day”.

Like last night, I told Charles, “Text me when you’re home safe”. He said “I will.”… I never got that text. It’s a repeat of what happened last time. Now of course I am sitting here waiting for him to text me. Thinking to myself: “It’s 7:10am, he’s said he worked at 8am, why isn’t he awake and texting me yet”.

I dunno, the other thing is that he’s still not 100% comfortable with my status which upsets me too. He’s getting on Prep which is great.

I wait and see…

So for the first time since Calvin. I have a boyfriend!

Things with Charles have been great again. He went out with Eric the other day and we talked a lot about everything that’s happened. He says he wants me and he’s happy with me. Etc etc.

I’m not really sure what all to write. We’re in the honeymoon phase still but we’ve talked about what’s to come over the next 3-12 months. I’ve told him that if we’re still together in a year, I expect to move in with each other. We talked about wanting kids, what his goals are with work. Etc.

Eric will never go away probably and I will have to accept that. I just hope that I can trust Charles with being around Eric and what will happen there. They are going to go see a movie together on Saturday and then Charles is coming over after to spend the night. I’ll be gone all next week. I’m really nervous about that.

I’m super happy about everything that’s happened. Even though it was VERY painful for a while. Things are great now and I sure hope we can continue that way.

So, it’s been one week since the reconnection with Charles and things are moving along. After the day on Thursday we had a quick lunch on Friday and made the decision to be “exclusive” but not yet use the term, “boyfriends”. I am ok with this as long as I continue to try and protect myself. More on that later.

I hunt out with Cody on Sunday and told him that things weren’t going to work out. Honestly, it’s not just because of Charles. During the week of Thanksgiving, with us both being away from town I realized that his communication style just doesn’t fit with mine. I texted him goodnight one night and he just completely ignored it, then one morning I texted him “good morning” and he also ignored it. This past week, I texted him on Wed some stuff and he didn’t reply until Sat night. He called me late that night and asked if I wanted to get pizza. I told him I was already in bed but “let’s hang out tomorrow”. His response was “maybe”. This is not what I want in a potential boyfriend.

Monday I met up with Charles after work, we went to the gym and then back to his place to make dinner/chill/drink. We had a good time. I enjoyed my time with him but like we were laying in bed watching some cupcake baking show (which I’m shocked he watches?) and I was trying to make out with him/do other stuff and he was just kinda laying there. This is something that does frustrate me, like does he not find me sexually attractive? But then he’s always telling me how hot I am and stuff. I don’t get it.

Sometimes, my mind is crazy and I think, “what if this is just a plot to break my heart again”; “what if him and Eric are just doing this to fuck with me”. I know it’s super crazy but I just wonder sometimes, what does this guy specifically see in me? Do we really have stuff in common?

I spent the night and we worked together at a coffee shop Tuesday morning then went out to lunch. We were talking more and he told me that when I deleted my instagram post of the two of us at Fort Bragg, he cried. He told me that he wanted to call me so many times during that month apart. he told me “You make me so happy”. I love hearing these things but at the same time, I just can’t help but sometimes think. “WTF”.

Another example is like we were trying to plan out the rest of this week, he really wanted to hang out Wed night after work to go to this holiday party thing that I have going on, but I told him. “No, you have so much homework to do. I would rather you spend Wed night doing that so that on Thursday we can spend all day together”. But then when it came to planning Thursday he didn’t seem that excited about hanging out/wanting to make firm plans. He did say “let’s go ice skating” which sounds fantastic. But I’m someone who wants more firm plans.

He also doesn’t want tell any of his friends yet about what’s going on. Which I kinda get, the whole thing is super insane and ridiculous. He’s going to his friends house on Saturday and they are going to be making gingerbread houses… I’m a bit upset that I can’t come to that because he’s hiding me. AND THEN The worst part is that I leave for Christmas on the 19th. He’s going to be spending the 18th with ERIC! He says that will be the first time he will see Eric since the breakup. But I am super annoyed by the fact that he is choosing to spend the day with Eric rather then with me. I tell myself that he honestly probably didn’t realize/forget that it would be our last day. We have ONLY been back talking for one week.

We talked a bit about the days when we were hooking up and our first “date” going to boba. He said he was super anxious about that date. I kinda think deep down, he also wonders, “what does this guy see in me”. I think he’s also afraid a lot of people are into him only for sex and he wants to make sure that I’m not just doing that.

Another thing that came up was what happened when we broke up. He said he had told his cousin that we were “one week” from using the term boyfriends. But that Eric convinced him to go be with him.

It makes me a bit anxious about not having firm plans/decisions about what we are going. But this is where I have to really protect myself. I am trying to be caring/warm/loving like normal but also a bit distanced. Like I want to see him tonight, but I know I shouldn’t. I need my own space as well. We will see each other tomorrow.

I want this to work. I want to be happy, I want to just go back and forget the last month with Eric ever happened but it DID happen. I have to remember that and even though he says things like “I never want to lose you again”. I have to protect my heart again and I cannot be so devastated if he dumps me again.

Well, surprise surprise, Charles is back!

A couple weeks ago he started messaging me on instagram, soon it was more and more. Then he messaged me over thanksgiving saying he was doing a project on HIV at school. I asked him “why HIV” and he said that I had inspired him. He said he wanted to ask me some questions, etc. Then Thanksgiving night he messaged me on instagram wanting to video chat. I was sleeping and when I replied he said he wanted to “show” me something.

He invited me to go to tennis on Tuesday and honestly I thought it would be super awkward. But it was a lot of fun and we chatted the whole time. He got red rubber bands on his braces in honor of World AIDS day, that was super cute. Went to dinner and finally had a the serious talk we needed. He apparently broke up with Eric and wanted me back. He said things from the start with Eric weren’t all that great.

We went back to his house and talked some more but didn’t make any definite decisions.

I got home that night and derik screamed at me for even meeting up with him. He was screaming shit like “these fucking faggots”; “this fag” blah blah blah.

Thursday we hung out during the day. Had another good time, we did mani&pedi and then went to lunch then back to his place to talk more. I agreed to give it another shot but I have to protect myself and be more careful. I cannot have him breaking my heart again. We talked about what our goals are for the next 5 years and what he wants out of a relationship. We seem to be pretty aligned on that.

We’ve of Course been back to chatting the same as before, sending kissy faces, etc. Yesterday I went to RENT with Derik and ShooFu and while there Charles texted me this: “Im just so excited I have you back and I don’t ever want to let you go again!!”

I will just have to see what happens here. Honestly, I PUSHED him to deal with Eric, I knew back then that things couldn’t be healthy between us with the cloud of Eric’s love over us. I never thought he would GO the route he choose to go and yeah it fucking hurt and sucked. But I’m willing to give him a third chance. Third time’s a charm?