Author: Cj B

So last week I was in San Diego for a week long class of sailing. It was a very fun time but leaves me feeling a bit In my own head about it.

There was this old guy on the trip. We found out he was 87, his wife died 6 months ago. He’s taking the class because he wants to buy a sailboat and sail on his own. But he’s so old and weak he couldn’t really do anything. I spent a lot of time working with him to help him out.

It hurts seeing this. This old guy, trying to make one last hurrah in his life. Experience one last big thing. He told us some stories from his life and he’s had a pretty amazing life. Lived in Switzerland, some other cool places. No kids, just him and his wife of 65 years. He was a high school science teacher.

It really makes you think. I don’t want to end up being that. I want to live my life but I keep holding back. I’m scared at times to make those jumps. I don’t want to do them alone. But to really experience things, to see life, to see the world. You have to just jump.

I’m really on this kick. Quit my job by December. Buy a boat. Do something. I’m just not 100% sure WTF it will be.

And where does Kellie play into this. we sort of had that discussion this past weekend. Like, how can I make my dreams happen and he can still fulfill his dreams. How can we support each other, if we last that long.

And honestly, I’m not even sure this is what I want. WTF would make me feel fulfilled… What would make me happy every day to wake up and do. What about Astra? What would I do with her. Does she come on a boat with me? Do I spend all year on a boat, do I spend 6 months on boat and 6 on land. Do I buy into a charter program and spend 12 weeks on a boat in various places.

Would friends come and visit for a week or two at a time. If Kellie and I don’t make it, would I find a guy on the water?

I watched this 90 minute seminar from one of the YouTube people I watch. He basically was pushing this idea to just buy a boat, spend 6-12 months on it in a place like the Caribbean and see what it’s like. See if you LOVE it. If you don’t like it at the end, what would a year cost you on the boat? $60k-70k?

What about health insurance and my HIV meds? How/where would I pay for those.

What about all my JUNK!

The instructor for the class said I should seriously consider teaching. Maybe I can mesh that into my lifestyle. Could I foster kids while on a boat? What would I do to fill my days?

What if I am single.. Can I do this alone?

If Charles thought that I was anxious, boy has he not met a truly anxious person!

Spent this past weekend with Kellie which was 95% good. We had fun, we did some stuff. Did pottery class which was fun. I’m a natural apparently 😉

It was a very domestic weekend and was nice to have that. I ended up not going to the birthday party. Charles and I had a talk on Friday and it just kinda pissed me off. At one point he said something like “some things just never change” and he was right. Some things just never change. He doesn’t reply to texts, doesn’t follow through with what he says he will do and I get annoyed by it. So what’s the point. Also, I just don’t think that I could have been around Don and Eric for that long.

I found out that Charles planned himself a SECOND birthday dinner for Monday night. And that kinda just made me feel like shit. Here he is able to plan HIMSELF two whole birthday parties but when it came to me, he couldn’t even be bothered to take the day off, much less PLAN something. So I called Jay and he and I talked then ended up going to lunch which ended up getting drunk for the afternoon. Blah blah blah. Lots of stuff.

So yeah, Weekend with Kellie was good. There was ONE thing where one of my friends RANDOMLY texted me (no context, nothing) “How is Charles’ dick?”. And Kellie just HAPPENED to be holding my phone at the time, so he got kinda annoyed by that. Understandable. But it was a bit MORE of a response then really should have happened. IE he just wouldn’t drop it when I told him. “I don’t know why my friend is asking me this” and “NO we haven’t been talking about Charles’ dick before”.

So yeah, overall good weekend with Kellie

Then, I came home back to Concord on Tuesday…. Tuesday night we talked and something stupid came up, we got into a little argument and he was like “ok, let’s hang up and start this over”. So we hung up and started it over and we were just talking about random stuff. He mentioned he had gone to CVS and bought toothpaste and floss and what not. I asked him “Oh, how often do you floss” or something along those lines. Which he just immediately took as “oh, you’re saying my breath stinks”. It just escalated to a point where I was hella annoyed.

Wednesday night. I had a splitting headache and was going to go to bed at 8:30pm. So I called him just to say goodnight. But my friend Glenn called a bit before that and said he was going to Vegas the last weekend in March asking me if I wanted to go. I cannot go because I’m in San Diego that same weekend.

But. It’s just funny and such a coincidence that Charles is also going to be in Vegas that same weekend. I mentioned this to Kellie and he got all pissed off because I knew that Charles was going to be there and that I “remember” this kind of stuff about him and blah blah blah blah. And then started asking all these questions about how often I talk to him Ugh. I just got so annoyed. I am so sick of just LITTLE ass shit that I mention setting him off.

His argument is “what am I not allowed to react” and honestly, yes you can REACT to things that are fucking IMPORTANT. But me remembering that Charles is going to Vegas for a weekend IS NOT SOMETHING THAT REQUIRED ANY REACTION AT ALL. I remember he was going because when I asked him if he could watch astra, he said “No, I’m going to be in Vegas” so it’s not that fucking hard for me to remember something like that. But then Kellie was all “Well why do you have to remember that”. WHY? I don’t CHOOSE what I remember, I just REMEMBER.

I finally had it, we keep having these small ass arguments over some TINY thing that I said. Still while writing this, I question what on EARTH in his mind set him off to be upset because I remembered that my ex was going to a certain place on a specific weekend. Why does that even matter?

I told him, Kellie, I cannot do this, I cannot keep having these arguments over some stupid thing that I say. I cannot be filtering everything I say. So I hung up.

Then he posted some passive aggressive BS to instagram which says: “Every time I addressed something that bothered me, I became the problem”.

He texted me at like 1am saying “I’m sorry”. We talked a little bit this morning he says sorry, he is working on it. But honesty if this keeps up, I cannot.

He brought up the fact that “oh you let Charles get away with so much while you were together but every little thing I do annoys you”. NO, it’s that every little thing _I_ say sets you off and instantly changes your mood. Which then impacts ME and how I feel.

It’s just FRUSTRATING. We’re only 3 months into dating. We’re not even OFFICIAl boyfriends yet. We’re just fucking “exclusive” and there should not be this MANY problems already. There should not be this many arguments, discussions, etc. I should be able to be free to talk about things, have my feelings, remember shit.

I am honestly a bit jealous of what Charles is doing with his boys. He’s got the best of both worlds. He’s basically dating Don, but he’s also still fucking boys on grindr.

Speaking of, I saw one of his cousin’s instagram stories from his Monday Birthday, Don looks like me. It really bothered me that he’s already introducing this guy to his family and seeing him sit next to Charles. Ugh. It was tough. It did really convince me that I did the right thing by not going on Saturday. If just seeing a STORY upset me that much, imagine seeing him in PERSON.

Anyway, long enough post. Things with Kellie are rocky… We shall see what becomes of that.

Was going to write a lot but just not in the mood right now.

Kellie is anxious but we’re working on it and he’s aware of the issue. He went and got me Starbucks sunday which was SUPER cute.

Charles invited me to his birthday party. I texted him to confirm I’m going and he’s just ignored it.

Just feeling BLAH. I hate working, but I don’t know WTF I’m doing with life either.

Maybe it’s me. Maybe Charles was right and I’m the one who starts all the fights, who complains too much. Expects too much?

I dunno, this past weekend was good but Kellie and I got into two more arguments about stupid stuff. Friday we got into a big argument before he even got here. I had gone out with Jay and James and of course the main point of discussion was Charles. All this Charles talk, hearing about him and his boys, it still upsets me. (more on that later). But I got home from the meetup and talked to Kellie a bit before he came up and of course he got all anxious about it and I got annoyed he was being anxious. This all just spiraled into an annoyance and an argument. Thankfully he called me and we talked about things but I was still pretty pissed about just everything in general. It basically ruined our entire Friday night.

Then Saturday we did glass blowing and had a super fun time. After we went to lunch and we were talking more about Charles. He said something along the lines of how Charles is avoidant and I should have seen the red flags from the start and I said something like “well you have red flags too, should I just give up on you” and that of course started another argument.

The good thing is that Kellie and I can TALK about them, apologize to each other, share how we feel and what happened. However, I’m worried that with these arguments already so early on. Is it going to ruin our relationship long term. Is it already building any sort of resentment. Like this morning he asked “can I call you, it’s not because I’m clingy, it’s just cause I want to hear your voice this morning”. Like him saying tings like that, it’s just a little…. IDK, weird? Why is he SAYING he’s not clingy.

I am starting to question myself, AM I OVER CHARLES ENOUGH to really be able to give Kellie what he needs. I try to be, but as you can see. Charles just keeps being a big point of discussion all around for things.

Or Maybe Kellie is right and I just need to completely exclude anyone who has connections with Charles. This is what he’s pushing for.

I also was pretty pissed because I had tried to get Jay & James to hang out this past weekend so that they could meet Kellie. They said No because James was working. But then they were able to make time to go hang out with Charles and his boy Don. Just makes me feel a certain way. And it’s the second time that’s happened now. Last time was they hung out with Charles and Anthony on a day when I had asked them too.

And that also brings up other thoughts and problems. Like Charles has ALL THESE PEOPLE wanting to hang out with him. Jay, James, Don, Anthony, Serge, Eric, etc. He seems to be able to just call any one of these people and they jump to hang out with him. They make plans to hang out with him. But here I sit most night still with no one to really hang out with. I dunno. Just frustrates me on multiple levels, Not only that he can do that and has these people who will just show up at a moments notice for him. But apparently now he’s going out and doing all this other stuff that I’d always wanted him to do but he was always “TOO TIRED” after work to do anything. And IE today, it’s a fucking TUESDAY and he has at least two of us fighting over his time today.

After Charles and I broke up, I tried to start making better deeper connections with friends. But it just seems to not work for me. IE Matt, it’s always ME asking him to hang out. Same with most of my “friends”. I just feel like they don’t want to hang out and it’s a one way street for me.

I ran into Serge at the gym yesterday as well and we ended up hanging out for 3 hours having beers and talking. Come to find out that the company he works for is a vendor that my company uses so we talked a lot about that. Spent some time talking about Charles but very little. He said Charles has been “grey” lately which is the same way Jay described him.

So this comes to my next biggest thing is that now apparently Charles is like MR planner and wanting to do stuff. He’s apparently planning a little day trip to San Jose for his birthday, he’s planning a weekend in PV for Pride. And who knows what else. He’s able to plan things with Jay & James. He’s able to go out after work and do stuff. But when we were together he was too tired to go out a lot of the time. He was too busy to plan ahead or think ahead and do trips, he couldn’t take Time off work. It’s just frustrating hearing him doing this stuff that I BEGGED him to do when we were together.

It’s also frustrating to hear him doing this stuff and I’m not part of the inclusions any more. For two years we did everything together. And now, I am just missing out on doing those things with him.

Am I over him enough, can I move on. How should I proceed.

Spent last weekend in Bear Valley doing winter fun stuff. It was a great time with the group. Kellie, Owen, Jhunrie, Jonathan and Shaun. We went snowmobiling, hiked in the snow. Had a great time overall. Things with Kellie were great the whole weekend and everyone really liked him. It really made me like him a lot more over the weekend.

Owen really pissed me off over the weekend though. He’s just so self centered and everything has to be his way. Saturday was Chinese new year and Jonathan had specifically asked if we could go to Chinese food that day. I found a Chinese place in Arnold which had 4.2 stars. But Owen was all “oh this place is going to be gross, blah blah blah” and he made us all go do this stupid Mexican place where the food was bland and dry.

Also, I personally spent probably $300 on food over the weekend for the group, but not one person offered to chip in or asked to help out with that.

The day before we left. Charles texted me and sent two songs that he said “were making him emotional” lately. And then also sent this big long text about how he misses me every day, wishes that things had worked out between us but this isn’t a “reconciliation” attempt. We agreed to talk about it in person.

So yesterday we met up for tennis and lunch. It ended up we hung out from 11:45am until almost 5pm. Just talking about every thing. It of Course brought back a lot of emotions and thoughts. I can’t even really elaborate on everything we talked about. It was all over the place, from his current two boys, to Alex coming to Austin with him, to jay & James, to his birthday to us and our relationship, to kellie.

He was telling me all about this don guy, the way he described him, it was almost identical to me. And I even said to Charles, “Sounds just like me” and he said “yeah, that’s why I said I would marry you”. This don guy has a MAJOR red flag though. He’s in a relationship.

I just still question, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED that it ended. He says it’s because of the way that I “approach” things. I call BS on that. I mean yeah, I could approach things differently but he also is to blame in the way he talks to me about things. Or lack of talks to me about things.

There were three times where he cried. I hugged him and held his hand once. When we said goodbye, he cried again. I kissed him on the forehead and he ALMOST kissed me on the lips but stopped himself.

He had plans to meet Don for a workout and he was late. Don was of course pissed that he was hanging out with me/late. But Charles said he “found him and convinced him to go to dinner”.

I dunno. It just pisses me off seeing him flirt with these guys, lead them on, It upsets me to see him happy with these guys. It just makes me question, why didn’t we flirt like that. It comes back to what I talked about over thanksgiving that one year with catching him flirt with Alex. How come WE never had that flirtations, I felt like he was never that invested in US. But yet, he seems to ACT like he was.

I just don’t know how to express what I’m feeling about him, TBH. KELLIE is great, he’s a breathe of fresh air compared to Charles. I don’t have to beg him for the basics. But yet, I’m still so hooked up on Charles. So miss him, so want him to be part of my life. Want him to be back with ME and for him to do those THINGS with me.

Thinking about him having sex with other people pisses me off. Thinking about him working out with other guys. Seeing that he’s taking those secret dinner pictures of other guys. It just all hurts. Seeing him do those “us” things with someone else.

That song, “I wish all your ex’s were dead” came on the radio on the way home from seeing him. I honestly sometimes with MY ex were dead. I wish I had the strength to BLOCK him out of my life. But yet, I want to hold onto him.