Corgi-Con

So, corgi-con was fun… Charles showed up at 10 and we left to drive there. The drive was fine and we just kinda chatted. But only once did he ask anything about what I had been up too. I did a sailing trip Friday and he asked “So who was on the boat.” I think in a kinda jealous way, tbh. But never did he ask me, how’s work, how’s the new place, nothing. I just don’t get how he can say he was so in love with me but be so unable to ask or care about my life.

Corgi-Con was fun, Marky and don showed up hella late and we didn’t stay much longer. Then Jay, Charles and I drove over to Oakland to get pizza then over to Dolores Park to hang out. We hung out there, Charles was chatty with everyone, kinda just ignoring me mostly.

I saw him open instagram at one point and of course the open chat was with Alex… Ugh, so they are chatting again or whatever. He said he was “just checking in on how he was doing since he knew we broke up”. Lies I’m sure. I bet you they will hang out in LA or Alex will come up here, they will fuck around for a bit. Maybe even date.

Charles hasn’t done anything yet to work on himself it seems. He hasn’t been back to therapy, he hasn’t read any more of the book. I did see that I am still “pinned” in his chats and he still has me pinned on instagram. But who knows what he’s thinking there. Calvin thinks it’s just emotional manipulation.

WE drove back from Dolores park and he slept the whole way. Got back to my place and he sort of just hung out awkwardly for a min and then left. Gave me an uncomfortably long hug.

It just sucks. I’m an amazing guy. Why aren’t people wanting to be with me.. We’re back to this point in my life with WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Why don’t people WANT ME.

Charles is flaunting over this guy Alex. Why didn’t/isn’t he flaunting over me.

He still has access to my door lock. I asked him if he was going to remove it from his account and he said “no, I’m going to come over whenever I want”. And I just keep hoping that one day he will come over after work and just want to sit and talk and cuddle and fix things. I keep hoping he will just text me randomly and say “I miss you so much”. I just want to know and feel that love. I just want to be LOVED by someone.

But then I also know, HE IS NOT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR ME. He’s been a terrible boyfriend. Why do I love/want him so much? Is it still just lusting over him? I see his personality with other people. And that’s what I want, I want that personality he has With them WITH ME. Because he can be great, he can be sweet, he can be kind. He can DO ALL THIS SHIT. That he just didn’t give to me. That he just took me for granted that I’d be there.

I am amazing. I am kind. I am fun. I deserve so much. I deserve to be loved. 🥰