So, it’s been one week since the reconnection with Charles and things are moving along. After the day on Thursday we had a quick lunch on Friday and made the decision to be “exclusive” but not yet use the term, “boyfriends”. I am ok with this as long as I continue to try and protect myself. More on that later.
I hunt out with Cody on Sunday and told him that things weren’t going to work out. Honestly, it’s not just because of Charles. During the week of Thanksgiving, with us both being away from town I realized that his communication style just doesn’t fit with mine. I texted him goodnight one night and he just completely ignored it, then one morning I texted him “good morning” and he also ignored it. This past week, I texted him on Wed some stuff and he didn’t reply until Sat night. He called me late that night and asked if I wanted to get pizza. I told him I was already in bed but “let’s hang out tomorrow”. His response was “maybe”. This is not what I want in a potential boyfriend.
Monday I met up with Charles after work, we went to the gym and then back to his place to make dinner/chill/drink. We had a good time. I enjoyed my time with him but like we were laying in bed watching some cupcake baking show (which I’m shocked he watches?) and I was trying to make out with him/do other stuff and he was just kinda laying there. This is something that does frustrate me, like does he not find me sexually attractive? But then he’s always telling me how hot I am and stuff. I don’t get it.
Sometimes, my mind is crazy and I think, “what if this is just a plot to break my heart again”; “what if him and Eric are just doing this to fuck with me”. I know it’s super crazy but I just wonder sometimes, what does this guy specifically see in me? Do we really have stuff in common?
I spent the night and we worked together at a coffee shop Tuesday morning then went out to lunch. We were talking more and he told me that when I deleted my instagram post of the two of us at Fort Bragg, he cried. He told me that he wanted to call me so many times during that month apart. he told me “You make me so happy”. I love hearing these things but at the same time, I just can’t help but sometimes think. “WTF”.
Another example is like we were trying to plan out the rest of this week, he really wanted to hang out Wed night after work to go to this holiday party thing that I have going on, but I told him. “No, you have so much homework to do. I would rather you spend Wed night doing that so that on Thursday we can spend all day together”. But then when it came to planning Thursday he didn’t seem that excited about hanging out/wanting to make firm plans. He did say “let’s go ice skating” which sounds fantastic. But I’m someone who wants more firm plans.
He also doesn’t want tell any of his friends yet about what’s going on. Which I kinda get, the whole thing is super insane and ridiculous. He’s going to his friends house on Saturday and they are going to be making gingerbread houses… I’m a bit upset that I can’t come to that because he’s hiding me. AND THEN The worst part is that I leave for Christmas on the 19th. He’s going to be spending the 18th with ERIC! He says that will be the first time he will see Eric since the breakup. But I am super annoyed by the fact that he is choosing to spend the day with Eric rather then with me. I tell myself that he honestly probably didn’t realize/forget that it would be our last day. We have ONLY been back talking for one week.
We talked a bit about the days when we were hooking up and our first “date” going to boba. He said he was super anxious about that date. I kinda think deep down, he also wonders, “what does this guy see in me”. I think he’s also afraid a lot of people are into him only for sex and he wants to make sure that I’m not just doing that.
Another thing that came up was what happened when we broke up. He said he had told his cousin that we were “one week” from using the term boyfriends. But that Eric convinced him to go be with him.
It makes me a bit anxious about not having firm plans/decisions about what we are going. But this is where I have to really protect myself. I am trying to be caring/warm/loving like normal but also a bit distanced. Like I want to see him tonight, but I know I shouldn’t. I need my own space as well. We will see each other tomorrow.
I want this to work. I want to be happy, I want to just go back and forget the last month with Eric ever happened but it DID happen. I have to remember that and even though he says things like “I never want to lose you again”. I have to protect my heart again and I cannot be so devastated if he dumps me again.