I feel like over the past year, all the emotions, all the tears, all the fear that I’ve been holding in for a lifetime is coming out. Something pops in my head and tears will start coming out. I’ll be sitting here watching a random TV show and I’ll start tearing up over something.
It’s been 16 days since I got to The Bahamas and I just want to go home. I want to go back to my childhood and the smells of grandma and grandpa’s house, ranger cookies baking fresh, laundry hanging outside. I want to go back to a big family Christmas at my parents house with GG and all the extended aunts and uncles. I want to go back to those days of Christmas at GG’s house in Lenox. Where Rebecca and I would always get in trouble for something stupid or hide out on the enclosed porch. I just want to stuff my face with all the chocolates, pies, mashed potatoes, creamed corn and all the other delicious sides that grandma used to make.
I want to be back in Walnut Creek, planning a big Christmas with Charles and his family. I want to be putting up a Christmas tree with someone I love. I want to go back to the days of having him come home and making dinner, or just cuddling on the couch. Going to the gym together.
I don’t know what I’m doing here, I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. What impact am I making in this world at all. Am I even capable of making an impact? I feel like I am not that social bird. I just want to have my husband, a family. But is that?
I question my decisions, did I fuck up making this move. Did I fuck up and am I making the right decisions. Did I fuck up with Charles, Kellie, other randoms I’ve been on dates with. Am I ever going to be able to find that love again that I had. The bigger question, am I going to be able to GIVE that love again. I just feel like right now, I cannot give love. I just cannot emotionally go through another break up. I cannot emotionally handle loving someone and then losing that again.
I’m really pissed with work. But it doesn’t even matter any more. My boss has been really on me about stupid fucking shit. Like we hired a new guy, he starts this coming Monday. It’s HR’s job to request account setup, etc. He messages me the other day and asks “When is NEW GUY’s account going to be ready”. I reply and tell him that HR has to submit the request and they will get the confirmation. He replies with “Can you find out”. WTF why do _I_ need to find out? Fucking ask HR.
Then he sends me a message last night at 6:30pm. I didn’t see it, I was busy making dinner then I fell asleep. He messages again an our later “No thoughts, Chris?” WTF. Chill the fuck out
This week is also the Christmas company party. I’ve been with this company for 7 fucking years and they didn’t even BOTHER to invite me. WTF. I’m still a fucking employee.
Also the VP of OPs is basically making my life hell. He just excludes me from everything.
Then I’m freaking out over Trump and what he is going to do to our economy. I’m worried that if he crashes our economy no one is going to be able to pay rent, which means I won’t have any income which means I won’t be able to afford this fucking boat. I still cannot believe all these fucking stupid fuck Americans voted for this fucker and think that he’s going to make life better. How the fuck do they think anything he represents is what America should represent. How do they think that the ideas and policies (or lack thereof) are going to make America a better place to live.
I just want someone here to cuddle me and comfort me. Tell me it’s going to be OK. I’m coming up on 43 and I’m more lost then ever.
I’ve been chatting this guy up that lives in the Philippines. He’s super hot, really nice, but why am I even talking to him? I doubt I will ever even meet him. I doubt that anything will ever come from it. and he’s turning into another Kellie. Calling me constantly, wanting to be on the phone all the time, being overly clingy.