Hey, maybe I’m the problem

Maybe it’s me. Maybe Charles was right and I’m the one who starts all the fights, who complains too much. Expects too much?

I dunno, this past weekend was good but Kellie and I got into two more arguments about stupid stuff. Friday we got into a big argument before he even got here. I had gone out with Jay and James and of course the main point of discussion was Charles. All this Charles talk, hearing about him and his boys, it still upsets me. (more on that later). But I got home from the meetup and talked to Kellie a bit before he came up and of course he got all anxious about it and I got annoyed he was being anxious. This all just spiraled into an annoyance and an argument. Thankfully he called me and we talked about things but I was still pretty pissed about just everything in general. It basically ruined our entire Friday night.

Then Saturday we did glass blowing and had a super fun time. After we went to lunch and we were talking more about Charles. He said something along the lines of how Charles is avoidant and I should have seen the red flags from the start and I said something like “well you have red flags too, should I just give up on you” and that of course started another argument.

The good thing is that Kellie and I can TALK about them, apologize to each other, share how we feel and what happened. However, I’m worried that with these arguments already so early on. Is it going to ruin our relationship long term. Is it already building any sort of resentment. Like this morning he asked “can I call you, it’s not because I’m clingy, it’s just cause I want to hear your voice this morning”. Like him saying tings like that, it’s just a little…. IDK, weird? Why is he SAYING he’s not clingy.

I am starting to question myself, AM I OVER CHARLES ENOUGH to really be able to give Kellie what he needs. I try to be, but as you can see. Charles just keeps being a big point of discussion all around for things.

Or Maybe Kellie is right and I just need to completely exclude anyone who has connections with Charles. This is what he’s pushing for.

I also was pretty pissed because I had tried to get Jay & James to hang out this past weekend so that they could meet Kellie. They said No because James was working. But then they were able to make time to go hang out with Charles and his boy Don. Just makes me feel a certain way. And it’s the second time that’s happened now. Last time was they hung out with Charles and Anthony on a day when I had asked them too.

And that also brings up other thoughts and problems. Like Charles has ALL THESE PEOPLE wanting to hang out with him. Jay, James, Don, Anthony, Serge, Eric, etc. He seems to be able to just call any one of these people and they jump to hang out with him. They make plans to hang out with him. But here I sit most night still with no one to really hang out with. I dunno. Just frustrates me on multiple levels, Not only that he can do that and has these people who will just show up at a moments notice for him. But apparently now he’s going out and doing all this other stuff that I’d always wanted him to do but he was always “TOO TIRED” after work to do anything. And IE today, it’s a fucking TUESDAY and he has at least two of us fighting over his time today.

After Charles and I broke up, I tried to start making better deeper connections with friends. But it just seems to not work for me. IE Matt, it’s always ME asking him to hang out. Same with most of my “friends”. I just feel like they don’t want to hang out and it’s a one way street for me.

I ran into Serge at the gym yesterday as well and we ended up hanging out for 3 hours having beers and talking. Come to find out that the company he works for is a vendor that my company uses so we talked a lot about that. Spent some time talking about Charles but very little. He said Charles has been “grey” lately which is the same way Jay described him.

So this comes to my next biggest thing is that now apparently Charles is like MR planner and wanting to do stuff. He’s apparently planning a little day trip to San Jose for his birthday, he’s planning a weekend in PV for Pride. And who knows what else. He’s able to plan things with Jay & James. He’s able to go out after work and do stuff. But when we were together he was too tired to go out a lot of the time. He was too busy to plan ahead or think ahead and do trips, he couldn’t take Time off work. It’s just frustrating hearing him doing this stuff that I BEGGED him to do when we were together.

It’s also frustrating to hear him doing this stuff and I’m not part of the inclusions any more. For two years we did everything together. And now, I am just missing out on doing those things with him.

Am I over him enough, can I move on. How should I proceed.