So things have been going ok. Going out with people, spending nights alone, thinking about life and what I want.
A few weeks ago Francis came over to my place and we did an ice skating date. Something I always told my Ex I wanted to do, but we never did. It was hella fun. We skated for about an hour and I didn’t fall down once. At one point Francis fell on his ass and I managed to get it all on video. We replayed it at dinner and I laughed so hard. Came back to my place and made out and jerked off and it just felt weird AF. It didn’t feel right. Things were awkward and I dunno, more about this later…
Went to Death Valley for Thanksgiving. It was both good and annoying AF. Got there Wed night and just setup my tent and went to bed. I was exhausted. Woke up Thursday morning and met all of Sean’s family and people. When I originally agreed to this trip, the plan was that everyone would cook some dish and we would have a full on thanksgiving meal while camping. This was exciting for me. But then somehow it changed and everyone was just doing their own thing. Ok, I guess that’s fine but let’s at least sit down together and eat.. Well Sean’s family wanted to eat at 2pm and Hut and Sean didn’t want to eat that early. So the three of us went off and did our own thing during the day, then got back and we had steaks and mashed potatoes for dinner, alone. I wasn’t happy about this shit.
That night the wind was CRAZY bad that at one point my rain fly flew away. I slept in the truck. I am mostly over tent camping. I don’t think I can do this any more. It was also very cold there. So I got a hotel for the rest of the trip.
Friday, Hut and I went and did canyoneering all day. We were gone for 9+ hours. Did tons of hiking. Got hella lost, rappelling down 8 ancient water falls. It was exhausting. When we left, we asked Sean to get the grill put together so that we could have dinner right when we get back. We got back and Sean was sitting in the chair doing nothing, no grill assembled, no food ready, nothing. I was pissed. He made hut cook dinner for us that night while he just sat in the fucking chair. I was livid and just excused myself after dinner to go to bed.
Saturday we went into the park and just explored and then got pizza after. At one point Sean was bitching about EVERYONE on the road. Like this is a fucking park, people on are vacation, they are going slow to see the sights, take pictures, etc. People make wrong turns, people fuck up. just chill the fuck out. You don’t need to comment about EVERYTHING. I kinda pushed back at one point and yelled at him cause he was BITCHING about these people trying to parallel park. Just CHILL THE FUCK OUT.
Sunday I got up and drove to Modesto to see Francis. He had planned an axe throwing (another thing I had told my ex I wanted to do!). It was tons of fun, but I sucked at first. Once I go the hang of it, I was pretty good 😉
After both of our dates, he has mailed me a thank you card with writing about how he enjoyed it so much and blah blah blah. He will also randomly text me things like “What are you thinking about right now” or “If you could change anything in your past, what would it be”. And it just feels like forced communication. It just feels weird. I really enjoy our time together but there’s just no sexual spark and then things like this where it feels forced. It’s just.. I dunno. Doesn’t feel right.
He’s coming over this Saturday night and we’re hanging out Sunday. I will see how it goes but if it still feels forced and there’s no sexual spark then I’m just going to end it and say “We are just friends”.
Over Thanksgiving I was also texting my mom, she was pretty upset that it was just them and no family stuff. Come to find out apparently my dad is now banned from family things because he kept calling my trans nephew a “She”. IE using the wrong pronouns. And that pissed off my aunt so now we aren’t family any more. I just am so annoyed by this shit. Like I guess I won’t ever see family again. I guess I don’t really have a family.
Also speaking of family and what not. I texted Gwen on thanksgiving just saying “happy thanksgiving” she replied with “happy thanksgiving cousin, we miss you”… I kinda question if she even knew who was texting her. But I’m assuming she did and It made me sad. Sad she called me “cousin”, sad she said “we miss you”. I replied back with “Miss you guys too”. My Ex’s family, made me feel more like family then my own did. My own family didn’t reply to thanksgiving messages.
Tuesday I went out with Matty. He’s such an amazing sweet guy. So cute and so smart. The more we hang out the more I like him, but the more I know we would never have been a match. It’s such a weird place, feeling to be in the gay community when you care about someone and can see all those amazing positive things but yet you know it won’t work. You know there’s one or two major things that just won’t click. It makes you question, are you being too picky, are you being too rigid in what you want or are looking for. Like with francis or Matty, or even my ex. What should you just overlook and what should you just accept. With Matty, he’s a city boy. he’s not an outdoorsy boy. But could I date a city boy, could we compromise and figure it out? Would he be willing to do enough outdoors stuff to make me happy and I enough city stuff to make him happy? Who knows. Do we try?
Work… SUCKS. I got the list of people who are being terminated (laid off) in December. And it’s a doozy. I wish I could go back to my boss and be like, “can you take TWO of these people off the list and just fire me instead.” Two of these people will be devastated and I feel like crap that they are being terminated. I’m honestly kinda hoping that I will be on the list anyway and they just removed my name before they sent it to me.
This is a long enough post. See ya later.
chillax bro