Fleet Week

Going back and reading two years ago. The start of our relationship, makes me sad. Us talking about HIV. Me knowing now that in a few weeks he will break my heart and go date Eric. Me saying things like “I’m super excited about things with Charles but I”m trying to keep it low-key and just let things materialize.” – And then knowing that HAD I asked him to be my Boyfriend while we were in Fort Bragg, the whole Eric thing probably wouldn’t have happened. We wouldn’t’ have then started our relationship a month later with resent already from me, fear of rejection and abandonment from me. Thinking back on that moment two years ago… Could have changed our entire trajectory. Maybe, just maybe if I had asked him “be my boyfriend” instead of trying to “let things materialize”… Today we’d be a happier couple.

But then, things happen for a reason. He went and dated Eric for a reason, he came back to me for a reason. We broke up again, for a reason. Maybe eventually he will come back to me for some other reason, or maybe he won’t. Right? I wish those reasons were more clear. To teach me to let people appreciate me? To teach me not to put up with the shit of “I forgot”. To teach me to… I dunno. That I DESERVE BETTER as the note on my mirror says.

Things happen for a reason…

After my terrible date Thursday, I basically just hung out Friday. I did an amazing bike ride, went to the gym, had beers and dinner then just chilled.

Saturday I got up, walked Astra and then headed into the city to spend the day with Jay and James. I’m loving these two more and more as I hang out with them and I really do appreciate everything they are to me. They are the friends that I’ve been needing in my life for a long time. AS I get to know them more, I realize how shitty of a friend people like Jason has been for the last nearly 20 years. How superficial my relationships are with people like Hut.

But of course, hanging out with them and NOT having Charles there, was sad to me. We did spend a fair amount of the day talking about him of course. Before I got there, I told myself to limit it, to not bring it up but it happened. At one point, I messaged Charles on Instagram and said “I wish you could have been here today. Hope your day at work is going well”. He replied “Thanks”. My therapist said, what’s the harm in going for it. Or something along those lines, but basically just do it and if you’re rejected, you hurt for a moment and move on. You live and don’t regret things.

We went and got drinks after the air show and we talked a lot about social media, it’s impact on Charles and how it could be causing more harm then good.

I explained to them that I’m posting stories because this is how I am. Pre-Charles, I posted everything. It gives me validation. I love when guys reply to my stories and chat with me. It’s not aimed at Charles, it’s not posting for Charles. IT’s posting for me, for the attention that I crave I guess.

Jay explained that it could be causing Charles to think that I’ve “moved on”. That I could be nailing the coffin shut. James countered with “Don’t change yourself for him”. I agree with both of them, I see both sides.

I’m a person who NEEDS to know that the coffin is nailed shut before I can truly move on, give myself to someone else again. It took me YEARS to get over Calvin, to really move on and KNOW for sure there was never a chance with us again. I don’t want that to happen with Charles. I want to move on, but I want to leave it open for Him to come back to me. For me to have the upper hand, maybe.

So I made a pledge to them to stop posting, or at least limit what I do post.

I told them if Charles came back to me tomorrow, I would say YES, let’s make it work. In one month, two months, I’m not sure. I love him, but he needs to change. He needs to be Charles V3.0 for me to be able to date him again. He needs to appreciate me, he needs to remember important things, he needs to be more expressive. I also need to improve myself. I need to be Chris V10.5 (or whatever I’m on now!).

I keep day dreaming about when he said to me “I’m going to come over whenever I want”. – I keep day dreaming about the day I’m sitting here on my couch, and I suddenly hear the august unlock itself and he walks in. But I know that’ll not happen anytime soon. I know he’s “happy” alone. I know he’s doing whatever he’s doing. and I tell myself. “I don’t care”

And I’m out here, doing what I’m doing. Trying to be happy. Trying to move on. Trying to find the person who will appreciate me, treat me right, ask me every day “how are you”.

I’m trying to be more positive, more happy, more relaxed.