WTF is wrong with me. I went back and read the journals from the past year and it’s just complaining about the same two fucking things. And how many times did I write “We broke up”. This fucking up and down relationship is insane and yet I cannot get away from it. I sit here crying about everything. I lay in bed next to him just WANTING him to cuddle and hold me. WTF is wrong with me. He’s basically treated me like trash and yet I cannot walk away.
I should be happy, I should be thrilled to be free and find someone who invests back in me and gives me what I need. But yet, I sit here just wanting him to come home and say “I’m sorry babe, I want to fix this”
I’ve said it over and over again in my journal here. There’s two things missing, basic communication and sex.
We went to brunch the other day, we talked and talked. He said he needed to do this for himself. We talked the next day and the next.
Things the past week have been EXACTLY what I want (well we haven’t been having sex). But he comes home and he talks. we have rapport, we enjoy each other. He respects me by saying “thanks for doing the laundry”. Yesterday I went out with Jay and we had dinner. We talked a lot. James came over and talked to Charles. I have no idea what they are talking about or what they are doing. Anyway, I came home and James was just leaving. I had had a long day, so I just got ready for bed and laid in bed. I just wanted some alone time and to watch a show after the emotional day I had.
HE got up from the living room, brought this laptop into the bed and just sat there next to me talking about random stuff. Where was this Charles for the entire last year. Then this morning, he usually goes to work at 6am. But he said he wasn’t feeling it, so we laid in bed for an hour extra and just talked. THIS is what I want. Why has it taken us getting to this place now to find it.
I went today and got boxes. I packed the first box and then broke down crying, bawling in my bed. I don’t want this to end, but he’s treated me so poorly.
I called my mom to talk to her. I kinda brought things up and she just changed the topic. I was tearing up and she couldn’t be the mother I needed at that moment. I just needed a mother to tell me, “we love you, you’ll get through this” I needed a mother to be supportive and tell me I’m loved. But I couldn’t get that from her either.
All my friends want me to go to Pervert still for folsom. We had been planning big group, Charles, myself, jay & James, Jhunrie, Owen, hammer. I talked to Charles bout it and he still wants us all to go, but he said “not share the hotel room”. So that way he can hookup and fuck whoever he wants. UGH. UGH. UGH.
If only we had pushed the therapy earlier on, this would have honestly probably been fixed by now. We’d be happy.
I just can’t believe how quickly it all changed. One day we were looking at houses together, the next we’re moving out.
🤦