Two more months

We have exactly two months until our lease is up and I need to figure out what the fuck we’re doing. He’s still stuck on no idea what he’s doing. Applying to jobs, applying to school, etc. I don’t want to deal with him for another year of working at Chipotle.

There’s times when I’m Like, Yeah this is good, I’m happy we can make it work and then there’s something small that just sets me off and makes me not want to continue.

Like yesterday, I told him: “I tried to go on a bike ride today but I couldn’t”. He didn’t ask why I couldn’t or what stopped me. He just said “Try harder”. WTF kind of reply is that. Then later that night he was pulling stuff out of the dishwasher and he was like “how is this washed”. Well then fucking wash it yourself. If you don’t like how I do laundry or wash dishes, then do it yourself.

Again, it comes back to be fucking grateful you have a boyfriend who does your laundry, who cooks dinner for you, who washes the dishes, who mops the floor and all you have to do is come home and sleep and eat.

Then there are times like this past weekend where we have a lot of fun and we went out and enjoyed ourselves. It was good times. I enjoy having him around, I enjoy cuddling with him, I enjoy our time. But I still continue to ask myself, IS THIS WHAT I WANT LONG TERM.

He’s going to therapy. I’m going to therapy, is this enough, will it help? I don’t know.

Things with the apartments sucks. I’ve spent $130k on repairs and maint this year. Haven’t made a penny on them. It’s very frustrating. I keep thinking to myself, “this month” will be a good month. Then something major happens. This month was suppose to be good, but now I just spent another $15k on a broken pipe. Hopefully I’ll be getting some checks from insurance soon, but I don’t know. Either way it’s really annoying. By this time of the year I should have $100k in my pocket. We’ve raised rents from $45k/month to $51k/month since this time last year. So that should have been an easy $6k/month extra in my pocket. But it just disappears. Every month. That’s an extra $70k/year but yet this year it’s just ALL going back into maint and repairs. I sure hope that it’s just one of those bad years, catching up on shit and next year it’ll be better. It has to be better next year.

I just am stuck in this rut of not knowing what the fuck I am doing with my life. I don’t want to work, but I need to. I want a relationship but I don’ know if this is the right one for me. I want to travel the world but I can’t because my bf can’t get time off and can’t afford anything.

I want to go on two or three vacations per year, Charles can’t do those. I want to go to LA and PS and Portland to see my friends, Charles can’t do that.

I want to buy a sailboat and sail on the weekends but I wonder if this is just another torino mess. Just another waste of money and time.