Ok, so yet again after I posted that, I printed it and gave it to him. He said he loved me so much and wanted to work on things and make it better. Well that didn’t last long at all. One of the things he complained is that I “hold things in and then flood it all out at once”.
Last night, he called me on his way home from work. He said he was starving and asked that I start dinner. So I get dinner going and it’s nearly ready by the time he gets home. He walks in and has some packages which one of them is a gift for me, which I loved and was super happy about.
Then he comes over to the kitchen and looks at what I’m making, Loco Moco, I had made the hamburgers kinda thick cause that’s how I liked them and I wanted to use all the hamburger in two patties for us to get the protein.
He says: “You should have made the hamburgers smaller”
I said: “how about you appreciate that someone is cooking you dinner instead of criticizing it”
He immediately changes his attitude and walks off. I can tell he’s pissed now, so I try to talk to him about it. He says something along the lines of “Well I guess we just can’t ever cook together” which is a crazy over generalization. I tell him as such that that’s not the problem, the problem is that he’s not appreciative of the fact he has a boyfriend who he can CALL UP on his way home from work and have a nearly completed dinner ready by the time he gets home.
Could I have said it differently, could I have just blown it off, yes. But the thing is that I go out of my way to do shit for him all the time and I just generally feel he doesn’t appreciate the fact that I do this stuff for him. All he had to do to solve this issue with us was to say; “Sorry babe, I do appreciate you cooking for us”. Instead he gets mad at ME for “blowing up” at him.
So then we are sitting on the couch eating and he’s still being grumpy, so I say to him; “Can you look at me and we can talk about this like adults” to which he LOOKS at me and then like bulges his eyes out in like a sarcastic manner. I say to him: “can you look at me normally and we can resolve this” and he just flat says “no”.
And that was the end. Something so fucking stupid, so minor and that’s the end of it for sure. He just cannot communicate, he cannot talk through problems. He says that I “always have to be right”. No, I just want him to hear me, understand my feelings and TALK about the problems we have. That’s what I want. It’s not that I’m right, it’ that I want to feel loved, to feel communicated with.
It sucks for it to end, I’ve really enjoyed our time together. I do love him, we’re just clearly not a fit at all. From day one, we’ve been fighting about this stuff. From the early days he’s made me feel unloved by ghosting me for Eric and maybe I’ve just never got over that and allowed myself to see how he does care for me. Because he DOES care, And I DO care.
But it’s time to move on. It’s time to end it and try something different. This isn’t working any more as much as I want it too. I’m not satisfied and neither is he.
I feel like a failure for it ending, I feel like if we could have JUST communicated better, if we could have just gone to therapy a little while longer. But then, why does a 1 year old relationship need therapy?! Clearly it wasn’t meant to be.
What next now though? What the fuck am I going to do next.