I have a boyfriend!

So for the first time since Calvin. I have a boyfriend!

Things with Charles have been great again. He went out with Eric the other day and we talked a lot about everything that’s happened. He says he wants me and he’s happy with me. Etc etc.

I’m not really sure what all to write. We’re in the honeymoon phase still but we’ve talked about what’s to come over the next 3-12 months. I’ve told him that if we’re still together in a year, I expect to move in with each other. We talked about wanting kids, what his goals are with work. Etc.

Eric will never go away probably and I will have to accept that. I just hope that I can trust Charles with being around Eric and what will happen there. They are going to go see a movie together on Saturday and then Charles is coming over after to spend the night. I’ll be gone all next week. I’m really nervous about that.

I’m super happy about everything that’s happened. Even though it was VERY painful for a while. Things are great now and I sure hope we can continue that way.

1 week update

So, it’s been one week since the reconnection with Charles and things are moving along. After the day on Thursday we had a quick lunch on Friday and made the decision to be “exclusive” but not yet use the term, “boyfriends”. I am ok with this as long as I continue to try and protect myself. More on that later.

I hunt out with Cody on Sunday and told him that things weren’t going to work out. Honestly, it’s not just because of Charles. During the week of Thanksgiving, with us both being away from town I realized that his communication style just doesn’t fit with mine. I texted him goodnight one night and he just completely ignored it, then one morning I texted him “good morning” and he also ignored it. This past week, I texted him on Wed some stuff and he didn’t reply until Sat night. He called me late that night and asked if I wanted to get pizza. I told him I was already in bed but “let’s hang out tomorrow”. His response was “maybe”. This is not what I want in a potential boyfriend.

Monday I met up with Charles after work, we went to the gym and then back to his place to make dinner/chill/drink. We had a good time. I enjoyed my time with him but like we were laying in bed watching some cupcake baking show (which I’m shocked he watches?) and I was trying to make out with him/do other stuff and he was just kinda laying there. This is something that does frustrate me, like does he not find me sexually attractive? But then he’s always telling me how hot I am and stuff. I don’t get it.

Sometimes, my mind is crazy and I think, “what if this is just a plot to break my heart again”; “what if him and Eric are just doing this to fuck with me”. I know it’s super crazy but I just wonder sometimes, what does this guy specifically see in me? Do we really have stuff in common?

I spent the night and we worked together at a coffee shop Tuesday morning then went out to lunch. We were talking more and he told me that when I deleted my instagram post of the two of us at Fort Bragg, he cried. He told me that he wanted to call me so many times during that month apart. he told me “You make me so happy”. I love hearing these things but at the same time, I just can’t help but sometimes think. “WTF”.

Another example is like we were trying to plan out the rest of this week, he really wanted to hang out Wed night after work to go to this holiday party thing that I have going on, but I told him. “No, you have so much homework to do. I would rather you spend Wed night doing that so that on Thursday we can spend all day together”. But then when it came to planning Thursday he didn’t seem that excited about hanging out/wanting to make firm plans. He did say “let’s go ice skating” which sounds fantastic. But I’m someone who wants more firm plans.

He also doesn’t want tell any of his friends yet about what’s going on. Which I kinda get, the whole thing is super insane and ridiculous. He’s going to his friends house on Saturday and they are going to be making gingerbread houses… I’m a bit upset that I can’t come to that because he’s hiding me. AND THEN The worst part is that I leave for Christmas on the 19th. He’s going to be spending the 18th with ERIC! He says that will be the first time he will see Eric since the breakup. But I am super annoyed by the fact that he is choosing to spend the day with Eric rather then with me. I tell myself that he honestly probably didn’t realize/forget that it would be our last day. We have ONLY been back talking for one week.

We talked a bit about the days when we were hooking up and our first “date” going to boba. He said he was super anxious about that date. I kinda think deep down, he also wonders, “what does this guy see in me”. I think he’s also afraid a lot of people are into him only for sex and he wants to make sure that I’m not just doing that.

Another thing that came up was what happened when we broke up. He said he had told his cousin that we were “one week” from using the term boyfriends. But that Eric convinced him to go be with him.

It makes me a bit anxious about not having firm plans/decisions about what we are going. But this is where I have to really protect myself. I am trying to be caring/warm/loving like normal but also a bit distanced. Like I want to see him tonight, but I know I shouldn’t. I need my own space as well. We will see each other tomorrow.

I want this to work. I want to be happy, I want to just go back and forget the last month with Eric ever happened but it DID happen. I have to remember that and even though he says things like “I never want to lose you again”. I have to protect my heart again and I cannot be so devastated if he dumps me again.

HI Again.

Well, surprise surprise, Charles is back!

A couple weeks ago he started messaging me on instagram, soon it was more and more. Then he messaged me over thanksgiving saying he was doing a project on HIV at school. I asked him “why HIV” and he said that I had inspired him. He said he wanted to ask me some questions, etc. Then Thanksgiving night he messaged me on instagram wanting to video chat. I was sleeping and when I replied he said he wanted to “show” me something.

He invited me to go to tennis on Tuesday and honestly I thought it would be super awkward. But it was a lot of fun and we chatted the whole time. He got red rubber bands on his braces in honor of World AIDS day, that was super cute. Went to dinner and finally had a the serious talk we needed. He apparently broke up with Eric and wanted me back. He said things from the start with Eric weren’t all that great.

We went back to his house and talked some more but didn’t make any definite decisions.

I got home that night and derik screamed at me for even meeting up with him. He was screaming shit like “these fucking faggots”; “this fag” blah blah blah.

Thursday we hung out during the day. Had another good time, we did mani&pedi and then went to lunch then back to his place to talk more. I agreed to give it another shot but I have to protect myself and be more careful. I cannot have him breaking my heart again. We talked about what our goals are for the next 5 years and what he wants out of a relationship. We seem to be pretty aligned on that.

We’ve of Course been back to chatting the same as before, sending kissy faces, etc. Yesterday I went to RENT with Derik and ShooFu and while there Charles texted me this: “Im just so excited I have you back and I don’t ever want to let you go again!!”

I will just have to see what happens here. Honestly, I PUSHED him to deal with Eric, I knew back then that things couldn’t be healthy between us with the cloud of Eric’s love over us. I never thought he would GO the route he choose to go and yeah it fucking hurt and sucked. But I’m willing to give him a third chance. Third time’s a charm?

World AIDS Day

Today, Dec 1st is World AIDS Day and I wanted to take some time to share my story and why I’m riding in AIDS/Lifecycle. Growing up in the mid-west in the ’80s and ’90s, the only thing I knew about HIV/AIDs was that it was a death sentence. When I came out to my parents in 2000, pretty much the only thing I can remember from that conversation was my dad saying “You’ll be dead from AIDS by the time you’re 25”.

Moving to California in 2004, as a young gay man, my world changed. I signed up for my first AIDS/Lifecycle in 2007 completely ignorant of HIV. I met so many amazing people and learned so much about HIV/AIDS. It isn’t a death sentence, you can still have a long and healthy life by taking just one pill a day. You could be “undetectable” and have a healthy, loving relationship. I made some of my closest friends on the ride that year.

In May 2011, my life changed forever. I tested positive for HIV. I was 28 years old. I walked out of the clinic and broke down crying. I called my friend Mok and we spoke for hours, he reassured me that everything would be alright. He reminded me of all the things I learned on the ride, about how it’s treatable, you could still live a long healthy life. But even with that knowledge I still felt scared, ashamed, dirty, and that no one would love me again. I wanted to kill myself. Without the love and support of the people I met on the ride, my close friends, I wouldn’t be here today.

Over the past 10 years, I’ve been ashamed of my status and battled horrible depression. Even in places like Los Angeles and San Francisco the rejection and ignorance is abundant. The number of guys who reject me because of my status or end up rejecting me due to fearing it, is disheartening.

I’m now finally coming to accept myself, I’m thriving, successful, and happy. However, I still constantly face rejection and fear of HIV. Every time this happens, it hurts and brings back those painful memories.

It’s time to end that stigma, it’s time to be proud of who I am, I am not defined by my status. It’s time to share my story and help educate people. We need to end the stigma. With medications such as PrEP we can easily prevent the spread of HIV. With the knowledge of U=U we know that an undetectable person cannot spread the virus to anyone else and with the advances in technology we will soon have an HIV vaccine and one day a cure.

I’m riding in AIDs/Lifecycle again in 2022 to help end the stigma, spread the knowledge and fight to end AIDS. Please join me by donating to my ride using the link in my bio. 100% of your donations go directly to helping people with HIV and to educate people about HIV. If you have any questions or want to learn more about HIV/AIDS please feel free to reach out to me.

Take some time out of your life and learn about HIV, learn that undetectable = undetectable and reach out to someone you know who’s positive and tell them you love them.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy thanksgiving! Today I am super thankful for everything that is in my life. This year has been incredible in setting me up for my future. I went from having two SFH in HCOL areas to owning almost 80 MF units in a LCOL. Went from gross rents of just over $60,000/year to gross rents of nearly $575,000/year and NOI of $275k/year.

I just have to admit, I’m a bit down though about my relationships of course. I am so frustrated that people like Charles, Glenn, Mark, etc etc etc are all getting to share a day like today with their bfs. While here I am sitting alone on the couch.

Speaking of Charles, he’s been very texting lately. Mostly he’s been asking about homework but he’s also been replying to a lot of my stories. I dddunno. Whatever.

I’m out. Happy Thanskgiving. Love ya’ll.