Chris' Site

So, corgi-con was fun… Charles showed up at 10 and we left to drive there. The drive was fine and we just kinda chatted. But only once did he ask anything about what I had been up too. I did a sailing trip Friday and he asked “So who was on the boat.” I think in a kinda jealous way, tbh. But never did he ask me, how’s work, how’s the new place, nothing. I just don’t get how he can say he was so in love with me but be so unable to ask or care about my life.

Corgi-Con was fun, Marky and don showed up hella late and we didn’t stay much longer. Then Jay, Charles and I drove over to Oakland to get pizza then over to Dolores Park to hang out. We hung out there, Charles was chatty with everyone, kinda just ignoring me mostly.

I saw him open instagram at one point and of course the open chat was with Alex… Ugh, so they are chatting again or whatever. He said he was “just checking in on how he was doing since he knew we broke up”. Lies I’m sure. I bet you they will hang out in LA or Alex will come up here, they will fuck around for a bit. Maybe even date.

Charles hasn’t done anything yet to work on himself it seems. He hasn’t been back to therapy, he hasn’t read any more of the book. I did see that I am still “pinned” in his chats and he still has me pinned on instagram. But who knows what he’s thinking there. Calvin thinks it’s just emotional manipulation.

WE drove back from Dolores park and he slept the whole way. Got back to my place and he sort of just hung out awkwardly for a min and then left. Gave me an uncomfortably long hug.

It just sucks. I’m an amazing guy. Why aren’t people wanting to be with me.. We’re back to this point in my life with WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Why don’t people WANT ME.

Charles is flaunting over this guy Alex. Why didn’t/isn’t he flaunting over me.

He still has access to my door lock. I asked him if he was going to remove it from his account and he said “no, I’m going to come over whenever I want”. And I just keep hoping that one day he will come over after work and just want to sit and talk and cuddle and fix things. I keep hoping he will just text me randomly and say “I miss you so much”. I just want to know and feel that love. I just want to be LOVED by someone.

But then I also know, HE IS NOT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR ME. He’s been a terrible boyfriend. Why do I love/want him so much? Is it still just lusting over him? I see his personality with other people. And that’s what I want, I want that personality he has With them WITH ME. Because he can be great, he can be sweet, he can be kind. He can DO ALL THIS SHIT. That he just didn’t give to me. That he just took me for granted that I’d be there.

I am amazing. I am kind. I am fun. I deserve so much. I deserve to be loved. 🥰

So I’ve just spent the last week trying to stay super busy.
Monday Charles and I met up to return the house keys to the apartment. It was awk but not as sad as I thought it would be. I thought there’d be a lot of crying but I think that we both had just cried enough the past month that it was over.

I hit the gym every day this week which was good. I am going to try and go again this morning before Corgi-Con.

Wed I went on a date with this guy Bruce. He was cute and super nice but he was telling me all about his divorce and his ex-husband the entire time. Basically the exact same patterns as Charles and myself. Even down to the laundry fight. It was really weird but really made me realize that no matter what I had done, nothing would have made charles and I work unless he realized what was also wrong and was willing to work on it. I think that now he’s truly working on it (I hope). But even though I love him a lot still, I am realizing he is just not the right guy for me. I still think about him constantly, wonder where he’s at, what he’s doing. But I’m making progress.

Also, bruce hasn’t replied to any messages since wed. So I’m assuming he wasn’t interested.

Thursday I went to powerhouse with this guy Hugo. It was pretty dead but there were some HOT guys in underwear. I had worn just a jock strap, but I felt awk taking my pants off and wearing just that.

Friday I went sailing and had a really nice day and then went over to jay and James house for dinner. It was good to see them and not talk about all the drama, Charles, etc. Just be friends and hang out. I really enjoy them and time with them but I do feel sometimes that I”m a bit boring. I dunno. Maybe it’s just all in my head

Last night I had some really fucked up dreams about Charles. At one point we were both staying in some weird asian woman’s house. For some reason I was hiding in a box/freezer or something. Charles found me, covered his dick in ketchup and then put it in the box for me to suck. So weird. Another dream I had was that I had bought him a pastry of some sort, but I ended up eating it before I got to him. He’s just constantly on my mind but I need to get over it.

Well, I’m all moved to the new place, and alone again.

The last few days have been terrible. He said he loved me still. I love him still.

I don’t get it. But we’ve separated and moved on. He’s gone.

You deserve someone who remembers your birthday
You deserve someone who calls and texts you just to chat
You deserve someone who says “thanks for doing the laundry, babe”
You deserve someone who says “I love you because…”
You deserve someone who shares your dreams
You deserve someone who is grateful for all the things you do for him
You deserve someone who wants to jump you every day
You deserve someone who is excited when you haven’t been around for a while
You deserve someone who appreciates you every day
You deserve someone who can communicate clearly
You deserve someone who can share their inner feelings
You deserve someone who ….

You deserve so much better. You am worth so much more.

You are an amazing person, with a great smile, a great future, a great personality, a great friend, a great lover, a great human, with many more amazing adventures in life.

YOU ARE WORTH MORE. YOU ARE LOVED.

WTF is wrong with me. I went back and read the journals from the past year and it’s just complaining about the same two fucking things. And how many times did I write “We broke up”. This fucking up and down relationship is insane and yet I cannot get away from it. I sit here crying about everything. I lay in bed next to him just WANTING him to cuddle and hold me. WTF is wrong with me. He’s basically treated me like trash and yet I cannot walk away.

I should be happy, I should be thrilled to be free and find someone who invests back in me and gives me what I need. But yet, I sit here just wanting him to come home and say “I’m sorry babe, I want to fix this”

I’ve said it over and over again in my journal here. There’s two things missing, basic communication and sex.

We went to brunch the other day, we talked and talked. He said he needed to do this for himself. We talked the next day and the next.

Things the past week have been EXACTLY what I want (well we haven’t been having sex). But he comes home and he talks. we have rapport, we enjoy each other. He respects me by saying “thanks for doing the laundry”. Yesterday I went out with Jay and we had dinner. We talked a lot. James came over and talked to Charles. I have no idea what they are talking about or what they are doing. Anyway, I came home and James was just leaving. I had had a long day, so I just got ready for bed and laid in bed. I just wanted some alone time and to watch a show after the emotional day I had.

HE got up from the living room, brought this laptop into the bed and just sat there next to me talking about random stuff. Where was this Charles for the entire last year. Then this morning, he usually goes to work at 6am. But he said he wasn’t feeling it, so we laid in bed for an hour extra and just talked. THIS is what I want. Why has it taken us getting to this place now to find it.

I went today and got boxes. I packed the first box and then broke down crying, bawling in my bed. I don’t want this to end, but he’s treated me so poorly.

I called my mom to talk to her. I kinda brought things up and she just changed the topic. I was tearing up and she couldn’t be the mother I needed at that moment. I just needed a mother to tell me, “we love you, you’ll get through this” I needed a mother to be supportive and tell me I’m loved. But I couldn’t get that from her either.

All my friends want me to go to Pervert still for folsom. We had been planning big group, Charles, myself, jay & James, Jhunrie, Owen, hammer. I talked to Charles bout it and he still wants us all to go, but he said “not share the hotel room”. So that way he can hookup and fuck whoever he wants. UGH. UGH. UGH.

If only we had pushed the therapy earlier on, this would have honestly probably been fixed by now. We’d be happy.

I just can’t believe how quickly it all changed. One day we were looking at houses together, the next we’re moving out.