Happy fucking new year

Apparently I’ve already used this title.

New years always suck for me. I don’t know why. It’s supposed to be a time of celebration, starting fresh, etc but I always just end up hating it and being insanely depressed this time of year.

Last night was a bad one, Army and I were chatting a bit yesterday but he’s very one word reply. He’s going to some RAVE in MN and I told him, “Don’t forget about daddy while you’re there, all those fresh new grindr boys for you to play with” and he replied “What boys, daddy the only boy”. I replied with “Awwww” and he replied “Bitch” and then “Hey I can disappear forever daddy”. WTF does that fucking mean. Is he threatening me? I replied and said basically, “we need to talk on the phone and figure out what is going on between us” and he never replied past that. This is one of my biggest annoyances with him is he just doesn’t reply to things. Ignores me. It will be two or three days and then he will probably reply as if nothing happened. I’m remembering why we always seem to lose contact.

That set off a huge wave of emotions all night last night. Didn’t sleep until nearly 2am and then woke up again at 6 and have been sitting here ever since.

My life is not going at all the way I wanted or imagined it and the last two weeks have been such a fucked up roller coaster. With the Calvin news, re-connecting with Army, the end of the year, my birthday coming up.

Astra cannot decide if she wants in or out…

Why can I not find and make friends here. What happened to all my climbing “friends”. What happened with my life. I used to be so social, I used to go out all the time, I used to bike, I used to climb. Now I just sit at home. I feel like I have nothing to say to people. I feel like I’m not good enough to hang out or fun enough.

Why do I seem to be the last single person in my group of friends, everyone I know seems to have someone. Pasta has apple, Calvin has Will, Brian has David, NA has his guy, David, Gill, Greg, Daniel, Sophia, Sylvia, Constantine, Andrew, the list goes on. All I want is my life partner to come home to, to cook dinner with to do projects with, to go camping with. I’ve even started thinking that I want kids.

What am I gonna do when I’m 70, losing my mind and have no one to take care of me!

I really fucked it up twice. I don’t want to fuck up a third chance. It’ll probably be my last. Now if only I can find that third chance and not let it go, not fuck it up.

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