A year and a half later.. still heartbroken

Wow… You know how when you find out an ex is dating someone now and you’re heartbroken, again. Well that just happened.

I had a feeling since we broke up that Calvin was dating this guy Will. I asked him about it a few times but he denied it. Then tonight I’m home for Christmas and my grandma casually asked “Is calvin dating this will guy?”. I told her, “I don’t know, I don’t think so”.

I txted him: “See, even grandma thinks you’re dating Will.”

He replied: “Yeah, we are. I should apologize – I didn’t know how to bring it up, and didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I didn’t mean to be deceptive, and if it came across that way, I’m sorry”.

Me: destroyed. Heartbroken.

I’ve posted a few times since we broke up, talked about how I wasn’t sure it was right, how I wasn’t sure if we did the right thing. A few months ago I switched meds, you see my old meds are known to cause depression. I tried to fight it off, but now looking back I see how badly they have fucked up my life. Between living in Kennewick and being on these meds I feel like I was in a pretty bad place. I’ve lost touch with all my friends, I honestly feel I wouldn’t have broken up with him, etc.

Since switching, I’ve seen myself rebound. Slightly and slowly. I’m coming back. I started trying to be more talkative with calvin. I’ve been thinking to myself, is there a chance. Could we still have that spark again. Could he still be the right one?

He sent me a really nice Christmas card. Talked about coming to visit. I’ve invited him to visit a few times since we broke up.

Now, after knowing he’s dating someone. I feel like a fucking idiot, like a fool for thinking that, for trying to keep talking him, for everything. For thinking to myself, “I could live in Sask, I can start these businesses, We could be so happy.” Even today on the fucking 2 hour drive to Lenox, I was thinking those thoughts to myself, thinking of how I could re-start something with him. Thinking about how, if only he would come visit, we could get back together. I was wrong, totally wrong.

Here I am 1.5 years later and haven’t been on a single date. Haven’t moved on and he’s out there happy with a new guy. Living his life.

I’m destroying mine.

Fuck.

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