USPS Update

So the happiness didn’t last long after I returned from Japan. USPS picked me up on Sunday evening from the airport. Even that was a hassle. He got super lost (SOMEHOW?) and I had to take BART to a station and then wait. My flight landed at 8:30. He didn’t pick me up until almost 11pm. We drove home and chatted, I didn’t bring it up at all. I told him that I would drop him at home and then I would go home. He asked me to spend the night. I was so happy that he did this. We got to his house, cuddled and went to bed. He had to get up at 4am to go to work, but before that he started making out with me, I started sucking his nipples and one thing led to another. We jerked off together. After that he cuddled me so hard and was gitty like a little girl. He showered, then came back and cuddled me some more. Got dressed, cuddled me some more and then finally left. I left a few hours later to go to work.

Monday night I went to his house after work, we worked out, cuddled on the couch, etc. When it was bed time for him I said I would go home. He asked me to spend the night. Again. I was so happy. We cuddled on the couch and fell asleep. Woke up at some point in the middle of the night and moved to the bed. Rinse and repeat from the night before. Started making out at 4am. Nipples, jerk off, cuddle cuddle cuddle. Kiss goodbye. I again left a few hours later to go to work.

Tuesday night, I go to his house. I bring a pot roast for dinner. He’s too tired to work out, so we cuddle on the couch. At one point, I start rubbing him, he gets hard. We kiss. I pull it out and start sucking him off. OMG. He has a nice dick.

He pulls my head up and says, “Stop, I can never reciprocate for you, I’ll never go near your privates, I”m just too paranoid”. We talk about it. He says he won’t change, won’t learn. I sent him articles to help him understand. He says it doesn’t matter.

I say goodbye and leave. The next morning he texts me: “That’s why I just wanted to be friends cause that would happen. Pardon my ignorance ”

I reply: “USPS,
I just don’t know what to say to you at this point. There’s obviously way more then just “friends” feelings on both our sides, I care about you a lot and I really value our time and friendship so far. I want more and I feel you want the same. After I got back from Tokyo, I really enjoyed the feeling of seeing you again and hugging you and holding you. When you escalated things, I was excited, hoping that meant that you wanted to try more. But it’s clear now that you just view me as a broken disgusting person because of something that I carry inside of me. Something that is safe and I would always do everything I can to protect you from. I never asked for HIV, I didn’t want it and I used to be just as scared as you are of it. I had a BF that I loved and cared about who cheated on me and gave this to me. I was crushed and devastated form it and now the stigma I get from it devastates me over and over again. Just like what happened now with you. The most frustrating part about it is you have no sympathy and no will to even try to change, to learn and understand, to make steps forward. I tried to send you articles to help you understand but you refused to even read them. To even try to absorb the information. You just want to push me away and treat me like trash because of this. I understand about being paranoid, but doing NOTHING to try and change or understand is not the answer. If you’re this paranoid with everyone perhaps you need to seek professional help. Perhaps you need more to understand not just this but everything else. You shouldn’t go through life being that paranoid about having sex with people. Things have changed so much in the past 5 years even with PREP, ARV and Condoms there’s a 0% chance of ever getting HIV now. Even with just ARV the CDC says there’s no chance of transmitting it. But honestly Ed, as much as I care about you and love you and enjoy our time together, if you can’t view me as anything more than just HIV, then I dunno what to do. As I said to start, there’s clearly way more then just “friends” feelings on both our sides.”

He replied: “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want. I guess I’m going to loose a friend. All I wanted was a friend.”

I replied saying it doesn’t matter if you just wanted to be friends, I can’t be friends with someone who’s pozphobic. He replied “Fair Enough”. I replied: “I guess this is goodbye” He replied: “I don’t want to be the bad guy, but I think I have to, it’ easier that way. Goodbye Chris”

So… Crushed. WHY. Ugh.

But, I bounce back. I am going to miss USPS. I think about him all the time still. But his loss, IMHO. I am a great guy and if he can’t see past my status, then fuck him.

I went on a date last night with this guy. It was supposed to be just lunch. Turned into 8 hours. He’s pretty great. But I’m sure something will fuck up and it won’t last.

I’m also still talking to Tokyo boy, He’s super sweet, but the distance is going to kill it.

Army and I are going to Hawaii in March.

Japan Trip

Wow, what a whirl wind the past week has been.

So since the last post, USPS and I have been working out still, I feel like I’m not making any progress. We regressed right back into the cuddling and everything like two days after the last post. He drove me to the airport for my Japan trip and we held hands the whole way. He’s stopped sayin goodnight and good morning after I mentioned to him that I like that he does that. During this trip he’s been very quiet. Some days he’s chatty, other days he just says like one or two words.

I flew to Japan to meet up with Hut, Sean and Polly. It’s been an amazing trip. We have been to so many places that I just can’t even tell you everything. We started out about an hour outside of Tokyo, the first night I had sex with this cute Japanese guy. he stayed and cuddled after and then went home. The next few days we texted a bit here and there.

There was a few times that were super crazy. Like one time we were at these ponds and I open grindr and this guy is 20 feet away. I look around and see a guy that kinda looks like him. I wave, he waves back. I go over to him and it’s fucking him! We end up spending about 30 minutes together. He was super super cute but very shy. He lives in Malaysia. Another time, we’re at dinner and I open grindr real quick, this guy is like 50 feet away. I say “hi, where are you? we’re at the BBQ place” A few minutes later, he walks over and says hi. I ended up fucking him that night. Super hot.

Anyway, we get back to Tokyo and the guy from the first night meets us. We end up spending the next three days together. Walking around, holding hands, cuddling, fucking. He’s super duper sweet, I really enjoyed our time together. Why can’t I find someone like that in America. I found a nice guy in Canada, Vietnam and now fucking Japan. Where’s the guys in USA that want me like they do. I just don’t get it… Ugh

Here I am leaving another country with a guy on my heart, headed back to a country where there’s a guy I want who doesn’t want me.

Friend zone

I’m so sick of being in the Friend Zone.

Worked out with USPS last night and left right after. I got home and we started texting and basically shit went down hill. He confirmed he wants to be friends only and now I’m crushed again.

I do the same thing over and over again. I get caught up on a guy, I get crushed. I’m so sick of this.

I’m fucking successful, cute, smart. Why the fuck can I not find someone.

USPS

So, it’s been a while since I posted. I’ve been sort of busy but not really.

Let’s start off where we were last time. So Kevin and I are officially done. He went off to Iceland, I knew he was going, but he didn’t text me ONCE all fucking weekend he was there. I talked to him about it after he got back and he said he “forgot” to text people. WTF. He said he would “work on it”. Well he went off to London a week later and did exactly the same thing. That was that for me. I can’t deal with that.

We bought flights to Montana at the end of November. I dunno what’s gonna happen there. I assume it’s just lost money at this point. We have barely spoken since. He posted pictures in HK with some random guy.

The bald guy I mentioned in my last post, we will call him USPS, his name is Ed. We hung out twice more after that first date, dinner one day and then like just movie or whatever the next time. He texted me after that saying he wants to be “just friends”. I was a little sad because he’s a nice guy. But ever since then we have been getting closer and closer. I am getting tooo close I think. We work out every night together, then we go back to his place and I cook dinner and we eat together. We lay on the couch and cuddle and hold hands… This weekend I went to his place Saturday night and I just left this morning. I’ll go back tonight to work out but I have to go home after.

So speaking of this weekend. I go over there Saturday night and we go to the gym work out, go out to dinner then come back to his place and cuddle on the couch. He has a BAD habit of sleeping on the couch, but I convince him to go to the bedroom so we can be more comfortable. So we lay in bed and then eventually he gets up to go “pee” but never comes back. That hurt me a lot…. I laid there in bed for hours just thinking about it. But eventually convinces myself he just went to lay on the couch in his safe space.

Got up the next morning and went and we cuddled on the couch for a bit, then went to get Doughnuts and walk along the water front, back to his place where I worked for a few hours and he napped then we did gym, arcade and back to his place where he cooked dinner and then watched some TV. Cuddles again on the couch. At bed time, he got up and moved to the other couch and slept there. I didn’t even both going to the bed this time. Again, I was hurt. I love to sleep with someone. I am just getting too close to him. We need to have a serious discussion about if we’re still “just friends” or if we are more than that… I also saw his dick and OH MY GOD. Is it amazing looking. I wanted to suck it so badly.

This morning he woke up early and cooked me breakfast, eggs and fresh grated hashbrowns. Yum! I left work and he is watching Astra for his day off.

He’s such a nice guy. We have similar aspirations, we laugh and have fun with each other. I just honestly think his biggest hangup with me is HIV. Again. 🙁

I just don’t know what’s happening in my life. I want a husband so badly. Why can’t I get what I want.