Same story, over and over

It seems to be the same thing over and over again with me. Find a guy, like a guy, something happens between us, shortly after they seem to have a husband/etc.

Now the latest is that apparently Wings is with someone. I don’t know exactly what’s going on as he has been messaging but being very vague about it. It’s just frustrating. Everyone is getting into relationships. I want one and can’t make anything work. I’m just giving up on it all. I haven’t been on dates in ages. I’ve stopped checking tinder/okcupid. I am just so over this BS.

Wings and I were talking and he said it’s because “You don’t want a [bf]. I bet so many guys want you.”

If that’s the case. WHERE ARE THEY? Yes HI guy wants me (for sure). I know there’s some other guys who have WANTED me but did I want them back? For various reasons, no.

Darin said that I hold onto regrets too much. Which is probably true. I hold on to too much I guess.

For instance, why can I not just go back 3 years and not fuck shit up with Calvin. Can’t I just go back to that trip to Vancouver Island and change it to be the way I had thought it would go. That was supposed to have been the trip that made us move to the next step (in my mind). But it went completely bonkers.

Why can’t I go back a year ago to Wings and not fuck it up with him. At the time I was so confused and pulled between him and Army. Army and I had already planned the Vietnam trip and Wings kept getting angry about it. Wanting me to cancel. Getting jealous. I wish I had just sat down and TALKED to him and tried to make it work. Tried to make him understand that even though I really did care about Army that I was dedicated to HIM!

Now with the HI guy thing, he lied to me about so much, but he kept apologizing and going on and on. I finally agreed to let him have a second chance. I don’t want to REGRET missing out on that again but I still feel like things aren’t progressing there. I can’t move on past the lies. I am trying but I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to just JUMP back into being all kissy and lovey and what not.

Everything is just a mess… I’m also super annoyed about my house lately. It was supposed to be a quick buy, fix, flip and make some money to get a cuter/nicer smaller house. Well the market is flat and I’ve put WAY more money into this damn place then I wanted too. I stopped counting once it hit $100k. I’m sure it’s WAY more now. Like closer to $150k and I’ve barely even started the outside projects. I hate my job. Ugh.

I did the right thing

I have to keep telling myself over and over. I did the right thing.

I know I spend a lot of time on this blog talking and complaining about guys who dumped me and how much it hurts. Rarely, never, do I feel this pain when I was the one doing the dumping. But yet. I have to keep telling myself. I did the right thing.

I sit here in my hotel room, crying, thinking, wishing, dreaming about what it could have been. If only he had been honest from the start. If only he had told me the truth.

Why did he lie to me and about such stupid stuff. Why say you’re 29 when you’re 26? Why say you own the house when it’s your parents. Those things don’t EVEN MATTER. I WOULD HAVE STILL LIKED YOU FOR YOU!

My mind also goes, what else was he lying about. What other things did he tell me that are fake.

I sit here and wonder, why am I still single. Why did Calvin get a BF immediately after we broke up. Constantine, same thing. I’m sure there are others. Why does Patrick, Pasta, Tim, the list goes on . They are all bf’s or husbands. I am still single. What the fuck did I do. What is wrong with ME?! What am _I_ doing wrong in this world.

Zendesk even FINALLY admitted he has a bf! WTF.

I did the right thing… I did the RIGHT thing. I could never get past the lying. _WE_ could never recover.

And yet, It hurts. I did the right thing.

15 Years!

Wow. I can’t believe it’s been 15 years since I left Iowa. What an amazing adventure it’s been.

HI Guy is a LIAR

So that didn’t last long. It was a super high high and now it’s over.

I had bought tickets to go see him in July 4th weekend. I was excited to see where this goes, already in my head planning and thinking a year out to see if this LDR thing would work. We would facetime and chat every day.

Then Saturday it all came crashing down. We were talking on facetime and something came up that he was lying about and that’s when ALL the lies came out. He isn’t 29, he’s actually 26. He doesn’t own his house, it’s his parents. He doesn’t own the cars he says he does. Etc etc.

Who knows what else he is lying about. Is his name even what he says it is?!

So that’s the end of it. I cannot be with someone who has lied to me since DAY ONE. I could never trust anything he says ever again.


Trip to Vegas

Well I’m back from Vegas and the trip was a lot of fun. The HI guy is super nice, we got along very well, we had sex. It was fun.

But seriously. WTF, am I really going to get into another long distance situation?

I dunno….