Over and over

I always seem to get stuck in this routine of finding guys that I just cannot have that I want.

Two years ago, I met this guy Randy here in DSM. I was still dating calvin at the time so we just met as friends. Saw a movie together while I was home. Hung out a bit. But nothing else happened. We sort of stayed in touch for a bit after that, just chit-chatting. Nothing major.

Last christmas we re-connected but only via txt. He ditched me the one time we were supposed to hang out. I stopped talking to him after that… We re-connected again midyear for some reason. I forget why/how. But then again stopped talking.

This year I was on Tinder and found him again and we started chatting more. I invited him to come hot tub, I never thought he would agree, but he actually showed up. We hot tubbed for 2 hours just chit-chatting, cuddling. I kept trying to give him a kiss but he would always turn his face.

We went up to my room after and laid in bed and cuddled and watched 90 day fiance. about mid-way through we started actually kissing, and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. it was honestly horrible, mostly because i was top and it’s been a long time since i topped someone. haha.

We finished the TV show and then he left. i was sad that he wouldn’t stay and cuddle the ngiht away.

Didn’t see him again until Christmas night. That night I was over at my aunts house and I invited him over and he actually showed up. I was shocked for a second time! And even more shocked because he met my aunt, cousin and my grandma all at once. So awk. but we had a fun time. AFter that he came back to my place, we hot tubbed again and then watched a movie and cuddled in bed. He again left 🙁 this time he was a little more kissey but nothing else happened.

Then lastly I saw him yesterday. We had a 2 hour lunch and then he had to go to a family thing.

Overall, he’s a really great guy. Ambitious, smart, super cute. But there’s a lot of little things that are either confusing or annoying.

He takes forever to text back. IE I sent him mutiple texts last night started at 5pm and he hasn’t replied to any of them. But yet he was on grindr and posting to snap chat. Granted he was with family. But if he could be on grindr, he could have replied.

He’s not very open about what he actually feels. I get the sense he really likes me as well, but then he also says things that seem like he doesn’t give a shit. IE last night we were saying goodbye and he said “i don’t want you to see me cry”.. but then he said something snappy right after that that kinda put me off. And when we said goodbye, it was just a quick hug and then he walked off.

He makes these jokes that I can’t tell if they are really jokes.

He goes out drinking a lot…. Which, I sort of get because it’s the holiday period, lots of family in town, etc. From what I’ve gathered over the past few years of knowing him during a typical week he’s up at 5am, working out, going to work, going to school, doing army shit. etc. So I get that he’s young (23) and so during these break times, he’s out partying. When I was 23, I did the same thing

He’s YOUNG… He’s mature but also very immature at the same time. He enlisted in the army because his parents could no longer afford college for him. He works 3 jobs to pay for stuff. So he’s mature that way. But he’s also very immature in his ability to share feelings, stuff like that.

Anyway, we talked about going to vietnam together. I doubt that’ll ever happen… I told him to come visit me. He said “if you buy the ticket”. I told him I would split the cost with him and he said “Nope”.

I always get stuck into these same routine over and over again. Finding guys I like who are not really feasible to date.

I’m so ready to just settle down. I want to be married by now!

Boarding flight now. I gotta go!

A year and a half later.. still heartbroken

Wow… You know how when you find out an ex is dating someone now and you’re heartbroken, again. Well that just happened.

I had a feeling since we broke up that Calvin was dating this guy Will. I asked him about it a few times but he denied it. Then tonight I’m home for Christmas and my grandma casually asked “Is calvin dating this will guy?”. I told her, “I don’t know, I don’t think so”.

I txted him: “See, even grandma thinks you’re dating Will.”

He replied: “Yeah, we are. I should apologize – I didn’t know how to bring it up, and didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I didn’t mean to be deceptive, and if it came across that way, I’m sorry”.

Me: destroyed. Heartbroken.

I’ve posted a few times since we broke up, talked about how I wasn’t sure it was right, how I wasn’t sure if we did the right thing. A few months ago I switched meds, you see my old meds are known to cause depression. I tried to fight it off, but now looking back I see how badly they have fucked up my life. Between living in Kennewick and being on these meds I feel like I was in a pretty bad place. I’ve lost touch with all my friends, I honestly feel I wouldn’t have broken up with him, etc.

Since switching, I’ve seen myself rebound. Slightly and slowly. I’m coming back. I started trying to be more talkative with calvin. I’ve been thinking to myself, is there a chance. Could we still have that spark again. Could he still be the right one?

He sent me a really nice Christmas card. Talked about coming to visit. I’ve invited him to visit a few times since we broke up.

Now, after knowing he’s dating someone. I feel like a fucking idiot, like a fool for thinking that, for trying to keep talking him, for everything. For thinking to myself, “I could live in Sask, I can start these businesses, We could be so happy.” Even today on the fucking 2 hour drive to Lenox, I was thinking those thoughts to myself, thinking of how I could re-start something with him. Thinking about how, if only he would come visit, we could get back together. I was wrong, totally wrong.

Here I am 1.5 years later and haven’t been on a single date. Haven’t moved on and he’s out there happy with a new guy. Living his life.

I’m destroying mine.


Two Months In…

Well, it’s been about two months since the big move and honestly, I’m really regretting it. I wish I had just stayed in my house in Tri-Cities and done the whole funemployment for a while and waited for a better job to come along.

The move went fine, I am staying in a rental house for now. I tried to put offers on a bunch of houses down here but I just kept getting out bid and the fact that the houses are JUNK and asking $500k is just annoying. Most of the stuff around here was built in the 70’s and 80’s and hasn’t been updated since. So you’re spending $500k and need to spend another $100k to bring it up to date.

I was hoping that by moving back here I would get back in touch with the climbing people that I used to really enjoy hanging out with. Tim, Leo, Mike, etc. Unfortunately, none of them seem to either A) Care or B) Know that I’m here. I know for sure that Tim does, I’ve made hints about hanging out but he never follows through or does actually hang out with me. I messaged Mike and no reply. I haven’t really tried to message anyone else. I’ve gone on two dates since arriving here but neither one of them really hit my fancy. So I’m still just spending more time sitting at home, walking astra and being a fucking bitch.

I still think about Calvin every day and wonder if it was the right or wrong thing to do. What would have been, what could have been. If there’s still a chance for something to be.

I am starting a new business venture. Explore More California. I bought a trailer and am renting it out. I’m hoping that my first rental will be this weekend. We shall see if it comes to fruition.

Jason is really annoying me again lately. He keeps telling me that we’re such great friends, that I mean so much to him. But then his actions speak louder then words. IE after my old job was over we had been talking for MONTHS about going to Palm Springs for a long weekend and just chilling and hanging out. Literally the week before he changes his mind that he can’t go because suddenly some other trip came up. But yet he was able to go to a bachelor party in New Orleans, go to a wedding in Los Angeles and go on a fucking two week trip to Russia. Then last weekend for July 4th, I asked him to come down for the 4 day weekend to hang out and go camping in my new trailer. He complained that the drive was too long (5.5 hours, exactly half way). Then this AM he sends me a text at 5am saying “really random, but road trip to Idaho”… Which is, you guessed it, 5.5 hours from him. He does this to me over and over and over again and it’s really annoying. He’s supposed to be my “best friend”, that I mean so much to him but yet coming to visit for a 4 day weekend is too much driving but going to Idaho for a 2 day weekend is fine? Makes no fucking sense.

Maybe there’s something wrong with me as I don’t really understand why I don’t seem to have any friends. I used to have this huge group of friends that I went hiking and climbing with and then we just sort of fell out, since then I’ve been on this downhill slide of friends and people I talk too.

The job is the job.. I’m already frustrated with it. The CEO is rudderless and changes direction constantly and can’t keep focused on one thing. When I interviewed I was told I would have an office and when I showed up for my first day I was given a cubicle RIGHT in the middle of the office area. I’m making less money now then I was 3 years ago working in LA and cost of living here is WAY higher then LA. And when I interviewed I made it clear that I was NOT going to be fixing “printer” problems or “my monitor doesn’t work” or “i need email setup on my iPhone” and guess what I am doing. I am too fucking far in my career to be fixing your monitor which you are too stupid to figure out came unplugged from the wall.

She has a TOP!

It’s been a while but the car is coming along. Got the grill and everything in, the hideaways converted to electric. They need final wiring and adjustments but they work. And then this last week she got exhaust, windshield and a top!!!

Torino Headaches

Sorry for the SUPER long post….

Ok, so here’s a bit of an update over the past few days. I took a 4-day weekend this past holiday and purposely didn’t plan anything because I wanted to get the interior put in before my parents arrive this upcoming weekend.

Started by pulling out the vert top hydraulic assembly so that it could be taken to the shop. Then installed the radio speakers and started the car up and let her run for a good 10-15 minutes with the heat on high so I could make sure no leaks on the heater and that the radio worked. This is when problems started…

I noticed that the ALT light would come on and go off and come on and go off every couple seconds…. The interior light (I had the door open) was flashing dim and bright dim and bright. But the radio worked and no leaks on the heater (so that’s good). I went ahead and put the dash and everything back on and started the car back up and checked lights, etc. I noticed that the illumination lights for the clock weren’t working and then also noticed the clock itself wasn’t working. So dash came back off so that I could test it. If I ground the clock illumination lights, they light up. But testing the clock connector (two wires), I get nothing. Spent probably an hour tracing it and looking through multiple wiring diagrams. I cannot figure out why it wouldn’t have power and apparently no ground. It appears to go straight into the 14401 wiring harness and to the main dash ground and the power to it comes from the same cable as the cigar lighter (which has power).

Gave up on that and decided to try test fitting the carpet. I had got it out of the box hours earlier and let it sit in the sun to release the folds, etc. brought it in and laid in the car and it’s WAY too long lengthwise. I pushed it as far up as I could against the steering column, looked at the manuals and saw that it appears you need to cut a semi-circle out of the top so that it rests around the column, so I folded it over just to check and it’s still WAY too long. The “heel inserts” are still basically UNDER the seats. There’s also about 6″ of extra over the rear of the transmission hump.




So on Tuesday I called ACC and asked them, I got some really moody woman who didn’t understand I had a Ford even though I told her multiple times, she kept asking if it was a “GM”. She basically wouldn’t help me at all because I couldn’t give her an order number (I gave her the part number on the box). I had purchased the carpet set from MAC’s about 2 years ago. As with most of you, I assume, I bought things as they were on sale and as I could afford them. 2 years ago I got a huge bonus and MAC’s just happened to be having a 35% off sale. At the time, I also didn’t think my car would be stuck in “painting jail” forever. So I bought a ton of stuff, needless to say, that’s really biting me in the ass right now.

So I called up MAC’s and the rep basically said “sorry we can’t do anything since you bought it so long ago”. I called ACC back and got a different person and he was more helpful basically saying “that doesn’t sound right can you send us pictures”. So I sent pics yesterday and am waiting reply.

After that I put the weatherstripping on the top, that worked out well and then tried to put the handles on the top. These were in a box ever since I bought the car and I never opened it. Well I guess I should have because there’s not enough parts in the box to make two full handles.

Top handles

After that I decided to put weather stripping on the rest of the car… So I got out the box and started cleaning it up… I’m not sure what this peice is called but as I was cleaning it, it just shattered in my hands:
Broken weather stripping

I also noticed that the stripping that goes around the side and bottom of the door was missing all it’s pins and that the body shop bondoed over all weatherstrip pin holes in the door. I put on what I could and it looks good.

Spent some time cleaning up and polishing parts to get my frustrations out:
Door handles

And putting on some small details:
Rear bumper/fender

Pass Fender

I had also noticed that the brake proportioning valve was still leaking but this time from the big nut on the bottom. So on Tuesday I called up Chockostang and asked the guy if the one I returned he had rebuilt or just sent me a new one (because this is now the THIRD time I’ve sent it back to him). He said he couldn’t remember.. I told him what was wrong this time and he said “There’s just a bass washer under there, crank it hard and it will seal”. So I cranked it hard and in the process it slipped and I busted off the plastic part that the wiring harness connects too… So back to finding a new one of those.

And then from my other post, I took the vert hydraulics to a local shop and he said they were fine. Installed them back in the car and they still won’t move the top.. I think what I will do next there is get an external battery charger thing and hook it directly to the pump and see if maybe it’s just not getting enough power.

In other good news, my hideaway grill set will be arriving from Germany today!!

Lastly, I enabled my “belt buckle protection” so that when neighbors stop by the car is protected from their leaning.
Belt Buckle protection