Well, that didn’t take long. He said he has “lost the passion”. So there we go….
So much emotions going on right now. 2019 is starting and I’m unsure what wtf is going on. First, things with Matt have been weird. I’m really not sure what to think/what’s going on with him. Ever since before Christmas he’s been sort of more distant. He hasn’t been texting as much, hasn’t send as many emojis, etc. Maybe I’m just reading too much into it. We met a few days ago for lunch and he had bought me a sweater, shoes and a shirt. That was nice of him. We had a good time but I just felt like we didn’t have much to say really. Last night he went to a NYE party and didn’t invite me. I saw a picture, it def wasn’t like a “close” friends thing. So not sure what his reasoning was. I mean I can also understand the side where it’s still very early and he doesn’t want to introduce me to all his friends. What annoyed me MORE about the situation is he didn’t ask me until like 10pm NYE what MY plans were. I also am not sure I can deal long term with him sleeping in until 10 or 11am. Everyone knows I’m an early bird. I am going to see him today. I dunno what to do.
Then last night, Calvin posted a picture of him and Will on instagram. I cried. I cannot get over him. I fucked that up so badly. I am cutting him out. I unfollowed him on Instagram and I’m not going to send him any more messages via text. I am debating if I should TELL him I’m going to ex-communicate him or not. I hate it.
USPS is still stuck on my mind. I miss him as well. I just want to be friends with him at least, but I don’t know how to go back. I don’t know if I can even go back on that.
I feel I have nothing to offer, wtf do I do. What makes me interesting? I don’t know. What keeps someone into me?
I just feel like everyone I know is in relationships and yet here I am still Single AF. what am I doing wrong. I fucked up the best thing to ever happen to me and I just can’t move on.
I sure hope 2019 brings along better things for me.
So, things have been happening. And moving quickly.
Going back to USPS. We didn’t speak after the last post. The day after he sent me the “GoodBye Chris” message. I received a small present I had bought for him (a 10′ braided iPhone charger cable because his was broken). I don’t need it, so I just dropped it in his mail box. A week later (Friday evening) I received a box at my house via USPS. I instantly knew it was from him, he has VERY obvious handwriting. I didn’t want to open it. I was hoping there was at least a note in there, something. I figured he was just mailing me back the thing I dropped off for him and also sending me back some of the other stuff I left at his house.. Sunday, I finally opened it and it was fucking Christmas presents for me and Astra. I texted him a video of astra with the toy and said: “Astra and I say thanks”. He replied with “If you need someone to pet sit while you’re on a business trip I’m here.”. UGH. WTF.
In other news, the guy I went on the date with in the last post. We have had a few more dates since then and things are going well. I’m honestly thinking about just going “exclusive” with him.. You know, I’ve done the whole keep dating around, just do whatever and it never seems to work. So why not just jump into exclusive status and take the leap? See what happens? He’s super sweet, he calls me every day. We talk every morning. I mean there’s def things that are not perfect about him, but no one is perfect, no relationship is perfect. Everything takes compromise. There are two things that really concern me about him. 1) He’s def a city boy. 2) He’s a STRICT bttm! I need a code-name for him!
With the whole USPS thing though, I’ve been questioning what I want in a BF. Every bf I’ve had has been “smaller” than me. With USPS. He was the same size, but more muscular and older. I really felt comfortable with him cuddling me. We also had much more similar “outdoorsy” dreams, IE living in small town/communities. There’s some other things about USPS that I just really loved.
Ugh. Life is tough.
So the happiness didn’t last long after I returned from Japan. USPS picked me up on Sunday evening from the airport. Even that was a hassle. He got super lost (SOMEHOW?) and I had to take BART to a station and then wait. My flight landed at 8:30. He didn’t pick me up until almost 11pm. We drove home and chatted, I didn’t bring it up at all. I told him that I would drop him at home and then I would go home. He asked me to spend the night. I was so happy that he did this. We got to his house, cuddled and went to bed. He had to get up at 4am to go to work, but before that he started making out with me, I started sucking his nipples and one thing led to another. We jerked off together. After that he cuddled me so hard and was gitty like a little girl. He showered, then came back and cuddled me some more. Got dressed, cuddled me some more and then finally left. I left a few hours later to go to work.
Monday night I went to his house after work, we worked out, cuddled on the couch, etc. When it was bed time for him I said I would go home. He asked me to spend the night. Again. I was so happy. We cuddled on the couch and fell asleep. Woke up at some point in the middle of the night and moved to the bed. Rinse and repeat from the night before. Started making out at 4am. Nipples, jerk off, cuddle cuddle cuddle. Kiss goodbye. I again left a few hours later to go to work.
Tuesday night, I go to his house. I bring a pot roast for dinner. He’s too tired to work out, so we cuddle on the couch. At one point, I start rubbing him, he gets hard. We kiss. I pull it out and start sucking him off. OMG. He has a nice dick.
He pulls my head up and says, “Stop, I can never reciprocate for you, I’ll never go near your privates, I”m just too paranoid”. We talk about it. He says he won’t change, won’t learn. I sent him articles to help him understand. He says it doesn’t matter.
I say goodbye and leave. The next morning he texts me: “That’s why I just wanted to be friends cause that would happen. Pardon my ignorance ”
I reply: “USPS,
I just don’t know what to say to you at this point. There’s obviously way more then just “friends” feelings on both our sides, I care about you a lot and I really value our time and friendship so far. I want more and I feel you want the same. After I got back from Tokyo, I really enjoyed the feeling of seeing you again and hugging you and holding you. When you escalated things, I was excited, hoping that meant that you wanted to try more. But it’s clear now that you just view me as a broken disgusting person because of something that I carry inside of me. Something that is safe and I would always do everything I can to protect you from. I never asked for HIV, I didn’t want it and I used to be just as scared as you are of it. I had a BF that I loved and cared about who cheated on me and gave this to me. I was crushed and devastated form it and now the stigma I get from it devastates me over and over again. Just like what happened now with you. The most frustrating part about it is you have no sympathy and no will to even try to change, to learn and understand, to make steps forward. I tried to send you articles to help you understand but you refused to even read them. To even try to absorb the information. You just want to push me away and treat me like trash because of this. I understand about being paranoid, but doing NOTHING to try and change or understand is not the answer. If you’re this paranoid with everyone perhaps you need to seek professional help. Perhaps you need more to understand not just this but everything else. You shouldn’t go through life being that paranoid about having sex with people. Things have changed so much in the past 5 years even with PREP, ARV and Condoms there’s a 0% chance of ever getting HIV now. Even with just ARV the CDC says there’s no chance of transmitting it. But honestly Ed, as much as I care about you and love you and enjoy our time together, if you can’t view me as anything more than just HIV, then I dunno what to do. As I said to start, there’s clearly way more then just “friends” feelings on both our sides.”
He replied: “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want. I guess I’m going to loose a friend. All I wanted was a friend.”
I replied saying it doesn’t matter if you just wanted to be friends, I can’t be friends with someone who’s pozphobic. He replied “Fair Enough”. I replied: “I guess this is goodbye” He replied: “I don’t want to be the bad guy, but I think I have to, it’ easier that way. Goodbye Chris”
So… Crushed. WHY. Ugh.
But, I bounce back. I am going to miss USPS. I think about him all the time still. But his loss, IMHO. I am a great guy and if he can’t see past my status, then fuck him.
I went on a date last night with this guy. It was supposed to be just lunch. Turned into 8 hours. He’s pretty great. But I’m sure something will fuck up and it won’t last.
I’m also still talking to Tokyo boy, He’s super sweet, but the distance is going to kill it.
Army and I are going to Hawaii in March.
Wow, what a whirl wind the past week has been.
So since the last post, USPS and I have been working out still, I feel like I’m not making any progress. We regressed right back into the cuddling and everything like two days after the last post. He drove me to the airport for my Japan trip and we held hands the whole way. He’s stopped sayin goodnight and good morning after I mentioned to him that I like that he does that. During this trip he’s been very quiet. Some days he’s chatty, other days he just says like one or two words.
I flew to Japan to meet up with Hut, Sean and Polly. It’s been an amazing trip. We have been to so many places that I just can’t even tell you everything. We started out about an hour outside of Tokyo, the first night I had sex with this cute Japanese guy. he stayed and cuddled after and then went home. The next few days we texted a bit here and there.
There was a few times that were super crazy. Like one time we were at these ponds and I open grindr and this guy is 20 feet away. I look around and see a guy that kinda looks like him. I wave, he waves back. I go over to him and it’s fucking him! We end up spending about 30 minutes together. He was super super cute but very shy. He lives in Malaysia. Another time, we’re at dinner and I open grindr real quick, this guy is like 50 feet away. I say “hi, where are you? we’re at the BBQ place” A few minutes later, he walks over and says hi. I ended up fucking him that night. Super hot.
Anyway, we get back to Tokyo and the guy from the first night meets us. We end up spending the next three days together. Walking around, holding hands, cuddling, fucking. He’s super duper sweet, I really enjoyed our time together. Why can’t I find someone like that in America. I found a nice guy in Canada, Vietnam and now fucking Japan. Where’s the guys in USA that want me like they do. I just don’t get it… Ugh
Here I am leaving another country with a guy on my heart, headed back to a country where there’s a guy I want who doesn’t want me.