Old stuff coming back up

So this is going to be a kind of long post. Maybe I’ll break it up into 2 posts.

This post is going to talk about things have happened long ago, things that are happening currently and how they interact together.

As everyone knows, I used to spend a lot of time climbing, camping, hiking, etc when I lived in LA. I met a lot of people back then and had a lot of fun with them. I thought we had become friends with most of them not super close friends but close enough that we keep in touch we follow each other and we message each other now and then.

First when I moved back to SF, I was expecting that some of those old people would at least want to hang out. I reached out to most of them when I arrived, we chatted but never seem to hang out. Most of them basically made zero effort to try and hang out which hurt a lot. But whatever. LIke I said, we were never super close friends but I at least expected they would hang out.

This past weekend, I was checking linkedin and noticed one of my friends who used to live in NYC was now living in SF. Now he and I again met climbing, I stayed at his house a couple times in NYC he stayed at my house in LA. We chat every couple months, we last facetimed in November. We haven’t hung out in person in years basically because we have both been off doing our own things. But I thought we were at least friends that if we MOVED/LIVED close enough to each other we’d at least notify each other. So I texted him… I was kinda tough, TBH but I was really upset. I guess I really do just expect too much out of people. He replied that he “had thought of me many times but has just been so busy”.

I again call this “busy” BULL SHIT. If I had found out I was moving to NYC, the FIRST people I would have contacted would have been him. It literally takes TWO SECONDS to say “Hey CJB! I’m moving to SF in XXXX time/monnth whatever”. That’s all it would have taken. Just so frustrating.

Second historical thing… Canadian Army guy. He and I met climbing again the earliest reference to him I can find is 2010, so 9 years at this point. When I first met him, I had a major ass crush on him. The first time i remember him we were climbing somewhere and this cocky ass asian guy comes in and he and I try climbing one of the hardest routes in the area. He gets to the second to last hold and we spend maybe an hour with him trying it over and over and over again. He finally crushed it and by the end of that day, I wanted to make out with him so badly. WE never did anything, ever. He lives in canada and so after I met Calvin he and I would hang out every now and then, we’d climb, we’d laugh. Come to find out he has a husband, has the life _I_ want.

Anyway, for some reason in the past two weeks he’s suddenly started sending me nudes, sending me videos and pic of him fucking these other guys. It’s super HOT but also makes me insanely jealous. I’ve wanted him so long but I can never have him and it makes me annoyed. I don’t really know what else to say about this situation, I mean obviously not everyone will be into me but whatever. I enjoy the pics he sends me and wish he and I could be closer friends, even if we NEVER do anything. He’s an awesome guy would love to hang out with him more.

He has also been telling me all his conquests during out climbing trips and they make me a bit jealous. He basically fucked all the guys I had crushes on during that time.

He’s apparently moving to Saskatoon too and he’s invited me camping in the prairies. I want to go, but I also feel that’ll be WAY to hard emotionally for me.

Anyway. I have a meeting but have a lot more to discuss, look for a second post later!

Frustrations of Dating.

I’ve been on the verge of tears the past two days. All this rejection is just piling up and really annoying me. I keep going on dates, I meet these guys. I have a good first date, maybe a second date and then nothing happens after that.

Construction guy is most on my mind right now. I mean we texted for nearly a month before our first meeting. Messaging every day. We met, I thought we had a good time. We laughed, talked, we went on a nice walk. We kissed on the cheek at the end of the dat and we made plans to see each other the next time he was in SF. We kept texting every day after that. Then I told him my status and BOOM. Gone.

Then I went on that date with ZenDesk, again I had a great time. We hiked for 5 hours, we ate lunch together, we talked nearly the entire time about stuff…. I thought we had a good time. We chatted Monday. I sent him a text Tuesday morning we talked a bit he said he was going to a meeting. I sent him a message and NO REPLY since then. DO I both messaging him again?

Whole Foods, met him in PS, we texted a lot. We’re supposed to have our first real date tomorrow. Haven’t heard from him since Monday. I texted him last night. No reply yet.

Vegas, again we met while I was in Vegas, had dinner together, we’ve kept in touch texting nearly every day. Then this past Sunday, nearly radio silence from him. He says he’s been “busy”.

And then all the past guys, the same thing happens over and over again. I don’t get it. What am _I_ doing wrong? Do I expect too much from these people? Do I expect too much communication back? Are they just not interested?

Not even to mention the MANY MANY guys that I match with, chat with for a little bit and then don’t even end up meeting for one reason or another or the MANY guys that I go on one date with and we clearly don’t click at all.

This whole “I’m busy” thing is BS, IMHO. I am busy too. I have a full time job, I have side businesses, I work out, I walk my dog. Maybe I’m just better at multi-tasking than these people but who knows?

And it always seems like I’m the one putting in the effort, always the one reaching out first. Always the one trying to make plans. If I just sit here and wait for them to message me, nothing ever comes my way. Am I just that forgetful or boring?

Maybe I should have just accepted the crazy boys marriage proposal, been done with it and just made it work. I’ve been on so many dates since moving to SF, I’ve tried every angle I can think of, move slowly, move quickly, try to be friends first, step back and not communicate as much, communicate more, not text as much, try to be more funny, try to be less negative, try to be this, try to do that. I don’t know what else I can do.

It pisses me off so much too cause I keep seeing these guys getting into relationships, either my friends or people I’ve gone on dates with in the past, and it makes me jealous because they don’t even seem to appreciate what they have! So many guys after they are in relationships tell me about their grindr hookups still or whatever.

One of my friends says it’s because I “live in the middle of no where”. Well I’m sorry but where I am is NOT the middle of no where, trust me. I’ve LIVED in the middle of no where. I went nearly 2 years without a single date when living there. Just because it takes a little bit to get to where I live, shouldn’t be a deciding factor into life and love. I’m willing to make the time to commute, travel to someone in the city and I hope that I offer enough to make that worth while as well. It’s not like I’m only dating in the city either, I’ve tried Sac, Davis, Napa, etc.

I just don’t understand. What can _I_ do to make it easier/better to date me….

Marriage Proposal

So, I’ve had a marriage proposal! LOL. I said no. It was from the guy who moved in/out quickly. But there’s no way I could do it.

I got Construction’s reply back RE my status. Basically he went on this big long rant about how he’s already accepted he will be single for life and that he’s only willing to accept the “perfect” boyfriend and how he can’t really trust people and blah blah blah. Haven’t heard a peep from him since that. So whatever. I’m sort of upset but if he’s gonna be like that then fuck him.

Whole foods boy and I still haven’t met. We were supposed to meet on Saturday but his moving truck was late so we ended up not meeting. He said he has Thursday off, so I’m hoping we can meet then.

On Friday I matched with this guy who works at ZenDesk. We chatted briefly, decided to hike on Sunday and then met on Sunday for our hike. It was really nice. I enjoyed it a lot, he seems very nice he’s into hiking and camping he’s very cute… So now let’s just hope for a second date.

A few other guys that I’ve been chatting with have sort of faded off.

I haven’t been to the gym in weeks. I am gonna go today after work It’ll kill me for sure.

I paid off my Infiniti this weekend. So that’s exciting. I’m planning on using it to trade in on a new Ford Ranger.

Hawaii and Gym Husband

Sorry it’s been a while. I’ve been busy in Hawaii and dealing with stuff at work/personal.

So the guy, I don’t even have a name for him, after he moved out things went down hill. I told him we needed to take things slower. We saw each other a few times and it was nice. Then Wed before PS he came over but said he didn’t want to spend the night, which I thought was weird. Thursday he sends me this message on OkCupid about how he “Caught me”. Not exactly sure what he CAUGHT, but whatever. He then proceed to create new tinder, grindr, etc accounts. Which is fine, however the fact he sent the message on OKCupid and then also did all those accounts without even talking about it was the final decision maker. I am not going to date someone who’s so impulsive and dramatic about things. I told him things weren’t working out and while I drove to PS he proceeded to send me multiple text messages that continued to get angrier and nastier. So whatever. I would have liked to have continued to date him and see where things go but after those texts. I’m done with him.

I was in PS for Florance’s memorial. It was great to see the family and hang out with everyone the days were very busy and we had a lot going on. I got an AirBNB at this “Nudist gay” house. It was this couple who was in their 40’s. They were super nice but there was this underlying sexual vibe which was a bit annoying. They also had this HOT young twink there every night that they slept with in bed. So that was a bit weird. I only saw them a little bit.

Of course while I was there both Grandma and Deb brought up Calvin which was super annoying and made me sad. Even after cutting him out of social media and texting for months now it’s hard. Why can’t I just get over him. Deb of course went on her standard “I was sure you guys would get back together and blah blah blah”. I was like “yes deb. I wish so too” but of course it’ll never happen now.

While I was down there I matched with this guy who works at Whole Foods. He’s moving to SF like TODAY so hopefully we will hang out and be friends/see where things go.

I also had a date with this guy who lives in LA. I forgot how we matched but he’s super in to cars and outdoors and woodworking and straight things like me. We’ve been chatting a lot and we went on our first date which I really enjoyed. He was also WAY cuter in person than in his pics. I just messaged him telling him about my status and now anxiously waiting his reply. Since he lives in LA, it’ll be weeks between when we see each other so I felt it important to let him know sooner so we both don’t waste each others time.

Got back from PS and left for Hawaii the next day. Army flew in the day before and we did dinner then went to the hotel and just watched Game of Thrones. Flew out Wed morning arrived in Hawaii and then just hung out that first afternoon. Thursday we did Road to Hana which was BEAUTIFUL. I wish we had more time. I sort of rushed us through part of it but also we did a lot of waterfalls and there’s only so many waterfalls and beaches one can see in a day and still enjoy them. That night we were texting with gym husband. I was driving so Army was doing the texting.. Army gave Gym Husband his phone number and then instantly Gym Husband FACETIMES Army. They end up spending like over an hour facetiming. Gym Husband talks a LOT.

The next day we got up at 5am and went Scuba diving. The diving wasn’t that great which sucked and I thought that on the second dive they would have Army join the main group but that didn’t happen which sucked. Diving was done by 9:30am so we went back to the hotel, made breakfast and then napped. That whole day we were both EXHAUSTED. We went to a beach and hung out then had dinner with Gym Husband. Again he TALKED AND TALKED AND TALKED. I think Army and I said like 5 words each. That boy needs a fucking Adderall or something. After that night, we didn’t hear from him again. Not sure WTF happened there.

The rest of the trip was just driving, beaches and hanging out. We had a super fun time. (I think?) I really like Army and I glad to have him around. I know we’re both in very different places in life and we’d never mesh. But I care about him a lot and glad to have him in my life.

I got another tattoo.

Flew back home last night, dropped Army off at the airport and then drove home. I was sad to see him go.

Back at work today.. Already looking forward to the weekend.

Gym and Stuff

I’ve been getting super upset about my progress at the gym lately. I’ve plateaued and I don’t know what to do next. It’s also been annoying to not have a workout partner/friend to go with or even someone supporting me or encouraging me.

I should probably setup a new routine but even just going to the gym has been a hassle lately. I’m still going. Just not pushing myself like I used too. I’ve been STUCK at this 210lbs area for like 6 months now and even though I’ve been slowly adding weights I just don’t see my Body fat go down or my Muscle mass go up!

As for other stuff, things are still going with the guy. He moved out of the house and we have been seeing each other a few times a week. We’ll see how things continue. He’s super nice and we connect sexually, but so far I just haven’t seen the emotional connection. But those things takes time.

I am headed to Palm Springs this weekend to see grandma. It’s a memorial for my great aunt and my Grandma and my Aunts are going so it’ll be nice to see them there.

Then I come back for one day then off to Hawaii.. I’m Super excited about that but I still have a lot of planning that needs to be done!

I’m also finally starting to get working on my bedroom set. I’m nearly completed with the first dresser and I really am happy with how it’s coming out. I’ve learned a lot and there’s a lot that’s not PERFECT. But it looks great so far.