He’s never going to change

We had a huge fight, again. Over the same fucking shit. Time and time again.

I give him so much in my life, I give him and show him how much I care all the time and yet he can never seem to get it or give back. I ask for somme BASIC stuff in our relationship and yet he can never seem to give back to me what I need in a relationship. He just can’t seem to give me the basics.

Things had been really good, we’ve been having a good time, enjoying each other. But it’s just back to the same fucking shit again of just not feeling loved, him being able to show or care about anything.

I ask him for the basics, “ask me how my day is”; “text me back when I text you”. Stuff like that. It’s not like I’m fucking asking him to cook me dinner every day, make me coffee every day. Etc. But yet he says that I am nit-picking him.

Yesterday it really came to a head again… During the day, I broke one of his beer glasses, I thought to myself that he was going to be pissed and I was super upset that I broke it. I cleaned up the mess and put it in the trash. He got home and first thing he did was put something in the trash and he saw the glass. His response was “Why did you break my glass”… “WHY”? Like he’s implying that I broke it on purpose or something. I told him that I was upset that he says “Why” and he just says “I’m just joking”. Well to me that’s not a joke. I was honestly upset about breaking the glass and you’re just making it worse.

Then we had to go return these tennis rackets, I asked him if he wanted to return them and play tennis or just return them. He said he wanted to play, so we get there, we play for an hour and then come home. At some point it comes up that apparently he only played because I was being “sarcastic” in my tone and he thought that I would be pissed if he said “No” to playing. I don’t give a shit about playing. I am only trying to play tennis because I WANT to share something with him. I don’t actually want to play, I’m not good at it and I’ll never be that great.

I dunno, it just spiraled down hill again. It went so bad and at one point, I got out of bed and went to the living room. Hoping he would come out and want to talk about things. But no, He just WENT TO SLEEP in the bedroom. Like he doesn’t even care that I’m upset, he doesn’t do anything to try and make it better or even try to talk through things.

That’s all I want, I want him to listen, I want him to understand where I’m coming from and I want him to change and treat me better. But he just isn’t capable of doing that. When he screws up, I just want him to say: “I’m sorry”. Perfect example again. We have been watching this show called “Special” on Netflix. We were going to watch another episode last night and in the “continue watching for Christopher” thing in Netflix it was the second option and he said “Well it seems like you’ve already watched another episode”. I told him no,, I haven’t and it’s a little offensive to me that you would even accuse me of watching that when you know we are both watching it together. All I wanted him to do was say. “I’m sorry, I know you wouldn’t watch it without me”. But no, he just sat there in silence.

EVERYTHING I do, I think about him, I include him. I think about what he would want or not want. He doesn’t seem to be able to do that at all for me. Example again: We found this mochi doughnut place in Martinez, We said “let’s go together”. Well apparently he went one day before work and got HIMSELF a fucking doughnut without even thinking about me, texting me to ask if I wanted one or anything. _I_ would never do that. I would never say “let’s go to this place together” and then go WITHOUT him and not at least get him a something and bring it home.

Same example goes for things like coffee or protein shakes at home or even when we’re at the gym. Time and Time again, he will make HIMSELF a protein shake and not ask me if I want one. Or like when we go to the gym, we have a routine and sometimes he will just go off and do something without me. Without asking or saying ‘hey, why don’t we switch it up and do X while we’re resting” or “hey, lets’ add an extra stretch in today”. It really pisses me off. INCLUDE your boyfriend, your PARTNER.

I just don’t know if it’s worth trying to continue to push for change and communication or is it just time to call it an end and move on. We just continue to have the same fights over and over and over again and nothing seems to change.

Even this morning, after a night of fighting and problems. He couldn’t even have the energy to text me when he got to work to say “have a good day” or anything like that. And when I texted him, he just said “thank you”.

“I’m terrified of being alone”; “I’m terrified of having wasted this time”.

I’m just being walked over

We moved into the apartment and things have been going really well. For the most part. We get along, we do things, we are a normal gay couple in an apartment together. The place is cute and I like the location. Although I am not liking how hot it is.

But lately, I have just not been feeling loved or cared for at all. We went to Iowa together, I had planned a great weekend with my family and I wanted to show him around some of the really important things to me. One thing specifically was that I wanted to walk him through my old college campus. We drive up there and we go to the gardens first, walk around a bit have a nice time. Then we go to campus and walk around and I’m telling him stories about going to school there, stuff I did, etc. Not ONCE did he ask any follow up questions about anything while we were there. I actually only showed him about 1/4 of what I wanted too before I was just like “Fuck it, let’s go home” cause he clearly didn’t care one iota of anything about what I was telling him.

We also went to a few other places over the weekend that I was hoping he would be interested din, but again, not one hint that he cared at all. When the weekend was over, I asked him what the best part of the trip was and he said “sitting by the pool at your parents house”.

Anyway, there’s other little stuff that happens all the time that just make me feel like he doesn’t give a shit. We went out to dinner the other day and literally sat in silence the whole time because he never asks follow up questions, never provokes discussions, never asks me about my life and my days.

Yesterday, I asked him to take astra for a walk while I was finishing up a meeting. He was struggling to put on her harness and I offered to show him how to put it on the way I do it. He just immediately got pissed and stormed off. Then Last night we went to a concert, the killers, it was amazing. We get home from it around midnight and get in bed. I had told him earlier that I had a super long day at work today. So I’m laying there and I say “goodnight” and roll over to go to sleep. He turns on the light next to his side of the bedd and starts replying the concert over and over again via his phone so that he can post on social media, I roll over, give him a “look” and then say “can you do that tomorrow?” he again just immediately blows up at me. Says that I’m being rude. WTF. Your boyfriend is in bed, trying to sleep, you know he ha a long ass day tomorrow and you’re the one sitting there playing a concert with the fucking light on.

There’s just a million other little things like that. Like every morning when he has to work early, I get out of bed and make him coffee while he’s getting ready for bed. Lately, I’ve been having to go to work early and not ONCE has he managed to get his ass out of bed to make me coffee for work and another example is today, after our argument last night, the first thing I would have done would have been to get up, make him coffee and try to get our day started off right. But nope. I got out of bed at 6:45, showered, walked astra and came back and he was still fucking sleeping. Couldn’t manage to move his fucking ass to get me anything or make my day better.

Here it is 9am and he still has yet to even message me anything to say “have a good day” or anything.

I’m just over it at this point. I want a boyfriend who wants to try and make me happy and care about me and my lfe. I just don’t get that from him. I just don’t feel like he CARES about me at all.

More examples… Sunday he worked a double shift, he came home between shifts to have dinner. I was ALMOST DONE cooking dinner for him when he got home and he complained and said he feel like eating what I was making. So I fucking PUT IT ASIDE and made him something completely different. No thanks or anything like that. And then Monday night, I really wanted for us to have sex. But he just acts like it’s such a burden every time.

I dunno what to do, honestly. I don’t want to be in this apartment alone but I also don’t know if this will work for the next year. Unless he majorly changes and starts really showing some fucking caring and love.

Stuff – Life Update

I know it’s been a while since I last updated. A lot has been going on

First, we moved into the new place. Everything has been pretty smooth lately no major issues. Although I have been getting more and more frustrated with him. Just over little stuff that annoys the fuck out of me.

Example, he says that _I_ nit pick but when I am doing dishes or folding laundry he will literally stand there and tell me I’m doing it wrong. I tried to push back but he then just gets “annoyed”.

Another example, the other day, he was wearing these underwear which really emphasized his dick. I made a comment, “wow, that underwear really makes your dick look good”. And he got all pissed off and was flipping me off and saying “fuck you” because apparently that was offensive.

We also had a “house warming” where just Eric showed up. It was mostly fine but I am still not over the whole Eric thing. It’s super annoying cause when I’m around they just sit there In silence and don’t talk to each other, but if I get up to to go to the bathroom or something they are chatty Kathies. Now he just texted me that tomorrow him and Eric are going on a hike together. No asking me if I wanted to go or anything. Super annoying.

I honestly don’t think this will last the full year. He doesn’t seem to care about me at all. He’d doesn’t go out of his way to do things for me. THere’s a million other examples, issues but I don’t want to get into it all.

My work project is going well, we are finally starting to kick it off and we’re going to go live for real this time.

My rental properties are sucking me dry right now. Things are breaking like crazy, we paid $30k in insurance premiums this year and then now we have another $37k in property taxes due next month. We got rejected for two of our roofing claims.

I dunno. Boring update, life is boring right now. AF. I’m just not really happy much at all, TBH.

New Apartment Pressure

The pressure of a new apartment and the status of our relationship is really wearing on me. I am just not getting what I need out of him

The other day we went out to a birthday party for one of his friends. Of course Eric was there. As we were leaving we passed by this restaurant and Charlie was telling this story about how Eric and him ate there. I just got so fucking annoyed. I am so sick of hearing about all the places him and Eric have been, all the things they have done. I picked some RANDOM ASS Ramen place in SF and of course he says “Oh, Eric and I already ate here”… . But yet he seems to never have time to do actual things with me beyond just our normal day to day routine. He found time to go virtual reality and see movies with Eric, seems to have time to go out to eat with him. But We haven’t had a nice date night in ages. And we haven’t EVER had one where he plans it all and just takes ME out. He keeps saying we should go see top gun, but when. When is there fucking time? He’s always busy with school or work. He wastes so much fucking time NOT doing what he needs to do and then he fucking crams it all in at the end and thus never has time to do anything. Example, the other Sunday after pride he had the whole day off, we had nothing to do. He could have spent the day doing homework, Packing for the move, etc etc.

We got into a huge fight that night. Honestly it was just everything building up all the let downs, all the missed opportunities for him to SHOW me that he cares. I packed my bags and left. I sat in my truck for an hour and we talked on the phone. I finally came back in. But honestly, I am questioning if it was worth it.

I read to him parts of the previous post. The parts about what I _NEED_ out of a relationship. Small stuff, IMHO. Tell me you love me, tell me have a good day, stuff like that. Well the past two days he hasn’t done anything to try to show me what matters. He barely texted me. Today I had to leave before him. I got up at 7:30 and walked astra and I had to leave by 8. I get back from walking her and he’s still in bed. He couldn’t get up and make me coffee. I get ready and go into the bed room and say “I’m leaving, have a good day babe”. Silence from him…

I just stand there hoping he will be like “love you, have a good day” or “thanks babe see you tonight”. instead he just says “WHAT”.

I just left to go to my appointment.

I get home and he’s gone to work. No message from him “On my way to work” or “at work see you tonight”. Nothing.

Does he Even fucking care at all? How fucking hard is to for him to give me even the BASICS of a caring relationship. Am I asking for too much?

If I can’t even get these basic things that I want/expect out of a relationship. Why are we moving in together?

A breakup letter

Dear Charles,

The past 6 months have been great and I do love you a lot. I appreciated your support through the rough times with Derik and I love that you took an active interest in learning about HIV.

But over the past couple weeks, it’s come clear to me that we are just not meant to be together. You’re a great guy with a great future, but I want things that it’s just clear that you cannot provide.

I want a boyfriend who wants to talk to me, when I send a text message I shouldn’t be asking myself “is this going to bother him” or “is he going to reply to this”. I want a boyfriend who wants to hear about my day, my life, my stories. I shouldn’t have to be sitting at dinner, thinking about something that happened during the day and wonder to myself “does he want to hear this story”. I want a boyfriend who when we are sitting there at the end of the night asks me, “how was your day babe”. I want a boyfriend who when I speak to them, replies so that we can have a conversation about something.

I want a boyfriend who is passionate, who looks at me in the morning and says “Damn, I’m so lucky” and who shows that to me. When I got back from Galapagos, Tahiti, ALC, I wanted a boyfriend who would SHOW how excited he is to have me back home. I want a boyfriend who wants to jump me every day. I shouldn’t be horny and have to think to myself, “have we had too much sex already this week”. I want a boyfriend who wants to give me a big passionate kiss every time they see me.

I want a boyfriend who wants to text me all day long, about the littlest of shit. I want a boyfriend who sees an article about something online and sends it to me to talk about.

I really like you, I enjoy our time together but in the end, I think that we just aren’t compatible. What you want and show in a relationship is not matching what I need out of a relationship. I need someone who is going to take an interest in my day and my life. And not just someone who expects me to cook for them, clean for them and just in general be there for THEM. I need reciprocation. I want a boyfriend who GOES the extra mile without me having to ASK or TELL them to do it. I want a boyfriend who recognizes how amazing _I_ am and shows that to me.

Good luck in school and with much love, I say goodbye.

—-

I’m not breaking up with him. But I’m putting these in writing for now. I need to seriously consider if I am OK with a partner that only returns 40% of what I need/give. I know he cannot provide everything I want or need, but will he get better with time as his work/life balance returns. Can I wait that long to find out. I don’t know. This past week, I’ve debated every day if I should just pack up and leave. Go camping. I deserve someone who gives me everything and more, the way that I give to them.