Valentine’s Failure, friends in love.

Wow, so much has happened actually in the past few days. I don’t even know where to start really….

So after I wrote the last one, Jay messaged Charlie that they wanted to have dinner Sunday night. Well he couldn’t do that so they planned to meet on Tuesday. They specifically said, just the three of them. So they excluded me.

I was super annoyed, but whatever. Go have dinner with them. But hold up, let’s talk about Valentines day first.

So Monday I spent most of the day running around. I returned the suit, bought some basic dress shirts from Banana Republic, wanted to find some nice chocolates for Charlie but I couldn’t find anything. Got him a cute card and some flowers. He comes over after work and I greet him at the door with two glasses of champagne and he has this big fancy chocolate thing for me. It was super cute. We had sex and then left for dinner. Took Bart there which was nice because the we didn’t have to worry about drinking too much.

Dinner was so-so food wise but we chatted the whole time about random stuff. It was good to again have that chat/time to talk about things. It didn’t seem awk at all.

After dinner he decided he wanted to go to the Castro, so we took muni there and went to a few places. We both got super drunk. Walked back to BART and while we were sitting there waiting he’s scrolling through instagram. I notice he has a ton of unread messages so I start to poke him about what they are. Come to find out they are old hookups who are thirsting over him. They message him and he just ignores them. I mean good that he does but Jesus, like just tell them you have a BF. We got into a huge fight over that. We fought basically the whole way back home. We got to my place and he threatened to leave and just go home. I told him that if he left, that was the end of us. I honestly don’t even know why it was such a big deal. But it turned into a huge fight that night.

The next morning we woke up, had make up sex and then went to the gym. So this brings us back up to Tuesday. The day he has dinner with Jay and James.

He leaves my place and goes to meet them, sends me some nice pics while they are eating at this beautiful place. Then around 6;30 he messages me saying they are getting ready to leave… Then silence for 1.5 hours. This of course PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF. So now I’m pissed off that he’s just MIA.

I end up driving to his place and just as I get there he calls me that they are ready to leave finally. I was super grumpy with him but I could tell by the tone of his voice that he just wanted to see me and tell me what had happened.

He gets back to his place and we have a quick talk first about the silence thing. I tell him, “I don’t want to fight about this or make it a problem but this has got to stop. We’ve talked about it multiple times before and you just keep doing this. You have to respect your boyfriend.”. I went on to tell him that this is the same as the argument we got into on Monday, he’s not respecting me as his bf by letting these other guys thirst over him and by not putting a stop to it. He agreed and said “you’re right” and apologized. Said he would keep trying to do better.

We go into his place and start to talk about dinner. He says, “guess what it was about”. I guessed. “are they breaking up?” he said “no”…. I said, “James is in love with you”. He said “ding ding ding”.

So here we are again. Another “best friend” of his who’s IN LOVE with him apparently. WTF, how does this keep happening to him?

This is a SUPER weird situation. Jay and James have been together for 11 years. Jay is 44ish and James is I think 30? James has never been with anyone else. So Jay and James were BOTH there for the talk about James being in love with Charlie? Why are gays so fucked up. You are in a relationship, you know your friend has a boyfriend. Why the fuck are you even saying anything? What is the point? What are you expecting out of this. Are you expecting that Charlie is going to say “I love you too, let’s date?” and then right there you dump your boyfriend and Charlie dumps his and you two live happily ever after?

The other thing that happened is I guess Jay put a lot of doubts into Charlie’s head about our relationship. He pushed him on my finances and plans, where I want to live. How will our relationship work with such a disparity in where we are in life. So we spent a lot of time last night talking about that. I came 100% clean as to what my finical status was and he seemed shocked.

This is all really frustrating. Here we are two months into our relationship. And We’ve already dealt with one friend who’s IN LOVE with Charlie, now we have a second friend who’s in LOVE and a third friend who’s putting doubts into his head?

Charlie and I really need to talk more about everything, I never really talked to him about what HIS feelings are for James, what he wants out of this stuff. And if he’s comfortable/happy with what my plans are.

Potter, Friends, Suit

So not much has really happened. Being in a relationship means life is pretty boring, TBH. I sort of realize now why my blog is missing a huge chunk of my life while I was with Calvin. There’s not much to talk about.

Honestly our days have been pretty great. We meet up after work, go to the gym, make dinner/eat out, etc etc. Rinse and repeat.

The other day we were going to Harry Potter. I had paid over $500 for two tickets. We went out for drinks before hand and some how we were talking about Eric again. I asked Charlie, “How much of Eric was the real Eric and how much was the “I hate Chris so I’m going to be mean to him, Eric””. Apparently that pissed him off, but I didn’t know about it. Then later we were talking and he has scheduled a week long trip with his friends Jay and James to NorCal for May. That really pissed me off.

While I was in the Galapagos he kept going on and on about how this will be the last trip we take apart, blah blah blah. And then he springs it on me that NOT ONLY is he going on a week long trip with them but he’s also going STRAIGHT to the Philippines right after that?! So he will be gone for THREE FUCKING WEEKS. This pissed me off on multiple fronts. 1) because he was so anti-vacations apart and 2) because he keeps telling me there’s no way he can take time off for trips with me but suddenly out of no where he can take three weeks off in a row.

Honestly, I think it’s retaliation for the whole Bora Bora trip, but that’s so childish and annoying AF. We got into a HUGE fight in the lobby area of Harry Potter. We were both ready to just leave but I had already paid for the damn tickets and we were there. I almost told him to just drive his ass home and I would bart home after the play.

We talked about it but didn’t finish the discussion before the play started, went into the play and sat there, I had my arms crossed cause I was so pissed off. He grabbed my hand and held it through the entire play.

Honestly I think we still need to talk about it and what happened and why he did it. But Whatever.

Then on Saturday he “takes a day off” so that we can go hang out with Jay and James. I’m happy that I got to meet his friends, but I’m again annoyed AF that he can randomly take Saturdays off to go see them but can never take a da off to just spend it with me. (Which apparently Jay and James were having the SAME FIGHT).

Jay and James were supper nice guys, we had a lot of fun. But then yesterday, the day after we hang out, Jay texted Charlie asking if they could have dinner privately with just the three of them. WTF? That’s weird, isn’t it? You JUST the day before had dinner and drinks with Charlie and myself. Now the very next day you want to meet without your friends new bf? What is the point? I can get wanting to hang out just the three of them but so quickly after? What is the point of topic?

I didn’t sleep hardly at all last night cause I was so worried about what that was about.

Yesterday, I was supposed to go Climbing with Rex, but due to a “miss understanding” he never showed up. I went shopping with Derik instead because I needed to pick out a suit to go to dinner with Charlie. He had said that he was going to wear a suit to our Valentines day dinner. I didn’t want to just show up in a fucking t-shirt and jeans (which is pretty much all I have now). So I went shopping and spent $600 on a new suit. That night I get home and Charlie and I are having dinner and I told him that Derik and I went shipping and we found some new clothes but I didn’t tell him it was a suit. He said “I was just joking about wearing my suit”. WTF? So you stressed me out and I went and did that and it was just a joke.

I really like Charlie, I think he’s a great guy. But there’s def some downsides and his biggest down fall is his inability to talk about things. He just shuts down. Sometimes I feel like he only tells James and Eric shit and then I get the silent Charlie.

Jay and I spent a lot of private time on Saturday just talking. He said that Charlie jumps from relationship to relationship and he can’t be alone. I’ve witnessed a lot of that TBH, when he has alone time, it drives him crazy and he can’t just be ALONE. That’s why he hangs out with Eric so much. And it concerns me that the only real reason he is with me is because I give him all of that attention and time.

It comes back to the “silent” Charlie. I feel like he doesn’t really talk to me about things sometimes. IE I see his texts with Eric or James and they are long messages. With me, he texts simple. When we talk, it’s pretty basic.

Maybe this won’t last, maybe it will. Who knows.

Galapagos, Work, Insecurity

WAIT!!! FUCK. I wrote a post while I was in the Galapagos and it appears it Never posted! 🙁 🙁 🙁

So the Galapagos trip was amazing. I was def ready to come home though by the end of it. Having Charles hanging out with Eric so much was super frustrating and caused some problems between us during that time but I think we talked it through and worked it out.

I really tried my best to not show my insecurity with him and when he would tell me that he was going to go hang out with him I would usually just say “ok, have fun”. There a few nights where we had “talks” about things and at one point he texted me saying that he just can’t seem to make me happy.

I got back and we had a good couple days but there was one night where we were out at dinner and he just kept texting his friend “James”. This really frustrated me. I know Jay & James are a couple, they are having issues with each other. I had just found out that apparently Charles met James via Grindr while he was in his last relationship (they were open). So all this plus the fact that I had just got back from my trip and instead of sitting there talking to me asking me questions he was busy texting James really pissed me off.

I guess they are going to go have breakfast on Thursday to discuss the problem that Jay and James are having. I get that he has to have his own friends, but why does it all have to be guys he met on grindr.

In good news though, I met his family. That was fun but at the same time, I felt like I was being compared to Eric. There were a couple mentions of his name and his brother even openly said he would prefer Eric to be there over me. So that was frustrating AF.

I dunno what I feel any more, TBH. Like at some points I sort of just wonder what we even have in common. What do we really have that attracts us together other than that he’s hot AF?

I’m just so insecure about it all the time, but he tells me he’s not going anywhere. That he cares about me. etc. I guess I just have to trust him.

Off to Galapagos

And I’m at the airport on my way to Galapagos. This is gonna be an exciting trip but I sure wish that Charlie was coming with me.

However, it will be great to be away from him for a bit as well.

We’ve spent every single day together since I got back from Christmas. Just the time he’s at work and one day where he went and spent the day with Eric..

Things are going great. I am of Course anxious about everything and feel clingy sometimes. I wish he would express more of his feelings.

I hate still seeing fuck Eric’s name pop up on the screen. Charles told me that I should be the bigger man and reach out to Eric to kick things off with him. I told Calvin and he said no! I Told Charlie a few days later that I think he needs to be the one to start things. The night the two of them hung out they talked about me and hanging out again. Eric says he’s not ready apparently.

The biggest thing I don’t like about Charlie is that I feel he just doesn’t express interest in things. Like today was our last day together before my birthday and trip. If he had been the one leaving, I would have planned a day together. Some nice activity, dinner somewhere. etc. He didn’t plan anything.

I ask him probing questions like “where would you want our first interatnaion trip together to be”. But he never asks me questions like that.

I’ve noticed too that he’s been less “lovey” via text. Less emoticons, stuff like that. I brought it up with him the other day and we got into a bit of an argument. He said that he though things like “going to the grocery store together” were advancing the relationship. I guess so, but why does that mean you have to stop sending kissy face?

I dunno. maybe I’m just fucking childish about shit like this. I want him to send me kissy faces. I want him to say he misses me. I want him to come and hug and kiss me.

I feel like I’m the one who’s always expressing these things now.

He dropped me off at the airport today and I felt like he was being a bit emotional. I felt like he was sad to see me go. But he didn’t express it at all. We hugged, kissed goodbye, hugged some more. And then left.

I guess I”m probably just being too emotional and over thinking it. I expect too much.

He does some super cute stuff, we have good times together. We hold hands in the car, we cuddle all night long. But it’s just never enough for me. What is enough!

Spending time with Charles… Anxious

We have spent so much time together recently. When we’re together, I am happy. I enjoy the time but then when we are apart I am anxious AF.

I’ve seen changes already, I dunno what’s going on and my mind runs crazy. We used to text all day long, now he barely texts me at all. The last few days he’s been texting me “I got to work safe” and today nothing.

I think about it over and over again, is he getting bored. Is he frustrated.

But he does so many nice things. Like last night he picked up dinner for us.

I am leaving in a week for Galapagos. We will see how that goes. Maybe some time apart will be good for us.

We got into a bit of a tiff the other night in SF. He’s been so quiet lately, I try to tell him a story and he just doesn’t reply at all. He sits there and watched tiktoc without saying anything.

We went to a bar that night and he spent the whole night just holding onto me, putting his head on my shoulder.

I just don’t get it. I am so confused. I think things are great but at the same time I Just can’t help but think that things will end at any moment. He will say “I’m bored” and leave. Or something like that.