I feel like my relationship is crumbling under my feet. Sinking faster then I can bail the water out. My heart has been in pain for the last week. I keep trying to put on a happy face at work and go about my day, but I can’t and work just is not getting done. I sit here and try and think of things I can do to turn this around.
In short, he and I got in a huge fight this past weekend. 4 hours on the phone over 2 days, we came very close to breaking up. Words from him were. “I love you, I’m not in love with you” among others. I blame us both, one for not saying we loved each other sooner and failing to communicate, me for being a crazy and jealous, and the world for separating us at such a critical time. We’re coming up on that one year, it’s critical. The spark is dimming and we must do everything we can to keep it burning, but now we are 1,600 miles apart and we do not see each other, or hang out to keep that spark going.
This week has been torture. We talk and I’m happy, we don’t talk I am sad. I’ve been sending him txts every morning to say good morning and “I love you”. The first two days he replied right away, yesterday he emailed a few hours later. Today, nothing. I sent him a huge letter on Tuesday morning about how I thought we could change things and make them better. I’ve already made huge changes to try and make things better between us, but he has not had time to even think about it…
It makes me wonder if he really does want to try, or if he’s just saying that to try and save my feelings. I’d rather he not try and save my feelings and just tell me what he really wants to do. Last night we quickly talked about his visit next week. He wants to spend one of the 2 nights he’s here sleeping at his parents house. I understand wanting to see your parents and I’ve been thinking about it all week and was planning on dropping him off at his house around 2 on Saturday and then going to pick him up around 10. So that we could spend as much time together as possible. So that we could sleep in the same bed and cuddle and talk. But he doesn’t want that.
I tell him now every night that I love him. Something I should have been saying since Oct when I realized it. Instead, I listened to my “friends” who said it would scare him off, it’s to early… I waited till Feb, told him once, and then never brought it up again. Mostly because he never responded to it, and he’s still not responding. He says he used to love me, but he never said it, never expressed it. Now though, every time I tell him, it breaks my heart to not hear it back. Do I keep saying it? Do I just let it go. I don’t know.
I want to plan a huge romantic evening for him when he gets back… But I don’t know if I should if he’s not really willing to try and get the spark back. I’m fairly certain he’s stopped reading the blog as well. It used to be that if I wrote something here, and then didn’t tell him, he’d bring it up. But he hasn’t been doing that in a couple weeks. If history has taught me anything, that’s a signal.
You should see a relationship as a “WE” not as a “HE” and an “I”.
I see ours as WE, I’ve taken a TON of shit for that, but I feel he sees it as “HE” and “I”. :'(