Going back Private

It’s been a long time since I had written publicly but earlier this year I decided to go public with my blog again.

I forgot how much drama it can cause, so I have decided to go back to privately posting.

I will continue to post publicly about some big things in my life. But for the most part this will now be a private blog, again.


Starting to see progress…. NOT!

I started to see progress… I went from 212 -> 208 in one week… And then the weekend came around and I shot up to 217 over the weekend!!! I don’t get how that happens. I worked my ASS off all day Saturday, rested all day Sunday. I Didn’t eat super healthy but I also didn’t go all out crazy. Fucking weight. 🙁

Speaking of Saturday. I FINALLY installed Sod at my house. That was exciting. My yard is finally coming around to looking nice. The old grumpy Japanese lady across the street even complimented it!

Not too much else has been going on. I’ve been hanging out with this guy Derik but I honestly have no clue what is happening with him there. We “kiss” but we haven’t had sex yet. He comes over every day at 5pm, we make dinner, we cuddle on the couch, we go to the gym.

Two weekends ago we went camping in Yosemite together. Nothing happened there. Yosemite itself was of course amazing and it was nice to not have crazy crowds there. I love that place just wish it weren’t so hard to get into.

There’s been this guy at OTF that is like the PERFECT man physically. He’s got this super cute face, muscular but beefy body, cute hair… OMG. He’s so hot. The weird thing is, he of COURSE reminds me of Calvin… Why can I NOT stop thinking about him. It’s been years and I still think about him nearly every day.

I am very upset with the political climate right now. Fuck the GOP for not voting to remove Trump. WTF is going on with Bernie supporters, they are JUST AS BAD as Trump supporters. How is Pete shooting up in the votes so much? White privilege?? I’m upset that Warren is not doing better.

There’s a blueberry farm for sale in BORING, OR. It’s perfect. It’s close to Portland, it’s something I know already, it’s “ONLY” $14m. I wish I could make that leap. I wish I had the balls to jump and do it. I’m sure I could get funding for it. I’m just scared to do it.

I got my review at work too. Kinda frustrating by that to be honest.

Got my first rental of 2020. That is exciting but I am frustrated that my Torino and the trailers haven’t sold yet! I REALLY need to sell this fucking Torino.

New year. Fatter Me!

I honestly do not get it… I’ve been going to Orange Theory for months now. I go min 3 times a week, mostly 4. I burn 800-1000 calories per day. I walk my dog 2-3 miles per day, my watch says I burn another 200-300 calories there.. I don’t really pig out a lot. I eat yogurt for breakfast, I eat a normal lunch, I cook myself dinner. I eat sweets but not a lot. Yet I cannot fucking lose weight. I have been tracking my weight for the past year. I went from 212lbs to…….. 212lbs.

All this work and NOTHING to show for it. Seriously. Everyone says it’s all about diet, but it’s not like I’m going to fucking fast food every day. It’s not like I’m eating out at horrible places every day, it’s not like I’m eating a bucket of ice cream every day! I just Don’t get it. It’s honestly really discouraging. I looked at pictures from 1 year ago and today, even though I am the same weight, I feel that I even LOOKED BETTER a year ago.

In other news, work is work. I have a new boss and we will see how that goes. He is doing these weekly one on ones which I think is a bit over kill. He’s also very ADD sometimes. We had a meeting last week and he asked me a question, I answered half of it before he pivoted to something else. He also assigned me something to have done by this weeks one on one but I need more information from him to be able to complete it. I have emailed him three times and no reply at all.

I haven’t really been going on many dates recently. I met this guy in Okalahoma city on the way back from Iowa and while he’s a very nice guy, I am pretty turned off by the way he tells me about all his random hookups. So I just don’t know what to do with him. I also met this other guy who lives in Vallejo. We have been hanging out and he seems super nice. We are going to go camping next weekend and he is taking me out for my birthdays tomorrow.

Really nothing much going on. I am honestly feeling a bit down/depressed lately.

Another year alone

Well Christmas is over and NYE is coming up soon and another year gone of being single. Another year gone of not being over Clo. We didn’t even text “Merry Christmas” this year… First time in like 8 years. :'(

I started therapy this year to try and help get over him but it hasn’t really worked. I feel I haven’t really made much progress at all in therapy so I think I’m going to stop going.

Christmas was fine, got some nice stuff that I’ll use/need which is good! Most of the week has been pretty boring. I haven’t even opened grindr at all since I got here. We went down to grandma’s house this year singe the evil aunt is living with her. It was pretty lame. Everyone spent most of the time playing on their phones. I honestly don’t even know what the point is any more. I sort of feel bad that I don’t have one of those families that seems to laugh and party. Everyone is just so hard, factual and cold. We don’t drink, we don’t seem to have fun at all. It’s just weird. When I see all these people posting on instagram all the fun and parties that they are doing with family its depressing. It’s also super depressing when I see families going on vacations together, etc. We never do that shit.

Army told me he was out of town all week while I was here so he couldn’t meet up. Well yesterday he posts instagram stories of him flying out of DSM to go to Cancun. What a liar. I’m so over people who do this shit. I am unfriending people like this. There was another guy, Mark, who I was “friends” with. But he would always be going on trips with friends, going out to dinner in SF with friends, etc etc etc. But he NEVER invited me. So I unfriended him. Well he messaged me on Christmas day and we go into it and he said “I really cared about you and thought of you as someone I can trust”. Ok, well that’s great. So I’m just here so you can get comfort when you feel like shit. But Not a real friend. Same with Army. He NEVER invites me on these “friend” trips. But yet he expects me to not only INVITE him but PAY for him to go on trips with me. Fuck that shit.

Took my mom to ORangeTheory to work out. She seemed to enjoy it but for the whole rest of the day she was going on and on about how she didn’t do everything she could, she feels bad she didn’t push harder, her hip hurt and she feels bad she couldn’t run. Etc etc. etc. Gee. I wonder where I get my whole feeling of nothing is ever good enough! Speaking of the parents they are SO FRUSTRATING sometimes. Mom and Dad cannot communicate. Last night they were driving home and Dad couldn’t get the high beams to come on. Well Mom is telling him to just leave it and he starts just SCREAMING about something. And then mom yells back. Like 2 words and they are screaming at each other. It happens over and over again. Dad is retiring in May, mom is all pissed off he hasn’t ASKED her to retire with him. WTF. Then talk to him and say “Hey, should we retire at the same time?”. Or like dad will come home, walk in the door, say hello to the dog and then leave to get the mail. Won’t even say Hello to mom. So weird.

Speaking of OrangeTheory. I have been enjoying the classes here a lot more. I don’t know if it’s because I am going mid-day and I have more energy and i’m not still half asleep or because there are more guys in the class or what. But the classes here have been better, IMHO.

I have a MegaMillions ticket from California that the Lottery app says I won $238… I had a dream last night that it was actually $238MILLION! It was a bug in the app that it couldn’t print the full amount and when I went to get the cast at the gas station they told me… I was so excited. LOL

Ok. I guess that’s all. Bye! See you in 2020!!!!!

Holiday Depression

Man, it’s been a tough week or two. I have been in NC this past week shutting down our plant out there. Honestly it was super depressing to see this HUGE plant that has been buzzing with activity and machines running and people all over it to be just dead silent. Very eerie to be there and walking around alone, cleaning up desktops, etc. It really was like everyone just disappeared one day and walked out. There were still papers everywhere, trash in the trash cans, etc.

I don’t know what it is but traveling just makes me really depressed and emotional anyway and then with the emotions of closing that plant down it really got to me.

It also seems that EVERYONE is getting into relationships now and yet here I am still single AF. Even Gym Husband has a BF now!! WTF.

Pasta randomly messaged me out of no where a few days ago. I haven’t replied yet and I don’t know if I will or not.

Leaving for Iowa in a few days for christmas. I am going to drive.

Honestly, when I started this post I was going to write about a lot of stuff…. But now I just don’t feel like it.

Costa Rica and White Privilege

So much to talk about here and not really sure where to start…

Been in Costa Rica for the past week and it’s been a great trip although I’ve been really lonely and sad for most of it. Apple was supposed to come but he got rejected at the boarder (honestly, not sure I believe that story). So it’s been just me, Hut, Sean and Polly. The same group as Japan. It’s been really making me miss Yasuo (from Japan!). The trip overall has been good but it’s been raining a lot. We did some zip lining, some amazing hot springs, lots of hiking (and STAIRS) and that’s basically it. Today is the last full day and then back to reality.

It’s been sad because I hate being single on trips. I hate that I have this cute, romantic hotel room. I hate that we go to these amazing hot springs that would be great to cuddle and make out in. Etc etc. I should have been married by now but I fucked it up and I’m going to regret it forever.

Darin and I got into a huge discussion about White Privilege. It honestly really pissed me off. I sent him this funny picture of a bunch of dudes around a thanksgiving table all dressed exactly a like and he started off with this comment about how “obviously they don’t want to include other races”. First off you cannot tell that just by ONE PICTURE. He is being just as racist by ASSUMING that they excluded other races. There’s many reasons it could have been all white. and then he made this comment about how they all have white privilege, blah blah blah. And honestly I’m getting sick of this kind of shit. Everyone bashes white people/guys for being racist and having white privilege. But then they are hypocrites. It’s NOT ok for a white guy to say “No Asains” or “No blacks” but it’s totally cool for an asian guy to say “No whites” or a black guy to say “no whites”. NO, it shouldn’t be! It goes both ways. Just really frustrates me. There’s way more too it but honestly I just don’t want to get into it here.

Tony messaged me randomly the other day and said “I really enjoyed my trip to CA, want to do it again soon” So that made me feel really good 🙂

There’s other stuff to talk about but I just don’t know and don’t feel like it at the moment. Off to go enjoy the last day in Costa Rica. See you soon boys.